My Slumbering Heart
by lifeluver
Summary: As Lily counsels Barney on his feelings for Robin, Robin finds help from an unexpected source. AU from Three Days of Snow.
1. Chapter 1

Prologue

"Look, Robin, I'm sorry. You're not a robot." Marshall glanced over at his friend, suddenly uncomfortable at the prospect of being alone in a car with her for another half an hour to the airport. Sure they were friends, but they always had that buffer in between them to keep the conversation going; they had never really gotten to know one another alone.

"I already said it was okay, Marshall. Just stop bringing it up, would you?" Robin's response was icy, as it always was when feelings were involved, but once Marshall had started, it was impossible to get him to stop.

"I mean, not everyone falls in love. You could be one of those cool, jetsetter types, who just flies around, going cool places, bringing home presents for your awesome friends. And you do have to bring presents for us. Love isn't for everyone, you-"

"Who said I never wanted to fall in love? Just because I don't want your cutesie, over-sharing, lunch time phone call kind of love doesn't mean I never want to be happy."

She paused for a moment, trying to recover from her outburst. Marshall looked down awkwardly, praying to God that his Lilypad would somehow appear in the backseat of the car. She would know what to say that wouldn't piss Robin off.

"So…what do you want then?" he asked after the silence had lasted just long enough to get uncomfortable.

Robin stared at the road ahead for a moment before answering.

"I don't know, I just want someone I can have fun with, you know? Make dirty jokes, have sex whenever I want, exchange dirty text messages while you, Lily, and Ted drone on and on about your love lives. Someone who makes me laugh, who challenges me, someone who's really hot. Someone who likes me for being a "robot" or whatever it is you called me."

Marshall let a small snort escape his nose.

"What? Whats your problem now?" Robin's voice had raised to the octave Lily only used that one time he and Ted broke her easel when playing with the flail, so he knew he better answer fast and not risking her pulling out her gun.

"Nothing, it just sounds like you want to be with someone like _Barney_." Marshall laughed again, waiting for Robin to join in, but she remained suspiciously quiet.

Marshall turned slowly to look Robin in the eye, but she continued staring deliberately at the road ahead of her.

"No…"

This was so much worse than her trying to kiss him.

Chapter 1

"You, you like, _Barney? _As in Barney _Stinson?_ Oh my God!" Marshall covered his face in his hands and tried to stop himself from hyperventilating while Robin stumbled over her words.

"No, I mean, that's not what, I didn't…No. No, no no. Marshall, no. Not a chance, no, I just, no. Not at all, no that's completely, no. Just no. No, no. Barney? No. No. Absolutely…no." _Yeah. That was convincing Sherbatsky. See if you can giggle just a bit more. Why on earth didn't you go into acting?_

"Sixteen no's? Oh my god, _sixteen _no's? Jesus, Robin, how long has this been going on?"

"Nothing is going on. Do you hear me? If you want to get to the airport alive you need to just drop this. Got it?"

"Yeah, no, ok." Marshall stared out his window, trying to piece together the last couple of months. Suddenly a lot was making sense. Why Robin kept going from guy to guy without trying to make a meaningful connection, the weird vibe between her and Barney, and, oh crap. This was not good. So, so not good.

"Lily is going to freak over this," he muttered to himself, imagining his wife's reaction to the news.

Robin slammed on the brakes in the middle of the road, bringing them to a screeching halt on the icy street.

"Jesus, Robin, are you trying to kill us?" But Robin wasn't listening. She grabbed a handful of Marshall's shirt and yanked his head close to her so that she was whispering threateningly into his ear..

"Lily is not going to find out about this. _Ever. _ Do you hear me, Marshall? Do you?"

Marshall's eyes were wide with terror as he nodded quickly. Satisfied, Robin let him go, refastened her seatbelt, and resumed driving as if nothing had happened.

_Barney better watch out, _Marshall thought. _This chick is crazy. _

xxxXXXxxx

Okay, that went okay. Marshall knew better than to ever broach the subject again, and soon enough he would just forget that it ever happened. All I have to do is distract him. As long as he never tells Lily I can escape this hell I dug myself into unscathed.

I just need to survive until these stupid feelings disappear. And they will. Soon. I'm totally sure of it. This is just some weird fluke from having spent way too much time around Barney. God, I'm even starting to act like him. Fistbumping people, making crude jokes. Heh, Barney told me the funniest joke that morning about peanut butter and jam and- no. No, no no. Don't think about him. Cleanse your mind Sherbatsky.

Deep breath.

Just keep driving, get to the airport, welcome Lily home, and this nightmare will be over. God, I knew better than to spend time with Marshall alone, damn my random urge to help. This is all Marshall's fault. If he hadn't needed to "mature" his relationship he would've just caught a damn taxi like he was supposed to and I never would have had to drive him, we never would have had this awkward conversation, and he never would've thought that she somehow liked Barney.

Which I don't. At all. Especially not when he smiles at me, his mischievous eyes twinkling after tricking Ted, or accepting a challenge or..

Focus. Focus on the road. Its snowy, I should be on alert. Don't want to crash. Unless…

Unless I crashed the passenger side. Marshall could hit his head real hard, get amnesia like in those stupid (awesome) soaps I started watching while I've been unemployed. That would solve all my problems, there's a tree up ahead…

No. That would be wrong. Plus, it doesn't matter. Marshall doesn't know anything because there is nothing to know. Exactly. No feelings here.

Crap, he's still looking at me. I wonder if he saw me contemplating the tree… He couldn't possibly know what I'm was thinking, right? Oh, God, how much longer until the airport?

If there was one thing Robin Sherbatsky now knew for sure, it was she was never doing anything nice again.

xxxXXXxxx

How long could a twenty minute drive to the airport possibly take? Okay, just don't look her in the eyes, yeah, just stare out the window. Pretend everything's fine, don't want her to freak out again. Shit, what do I normally do with my hands? On my lap? No, in my pockets. Yeah, that's right.

Robin. Robin and Barney. Barney and Robin. Oh God. How could I not have known this? I mean, what if…wait. Shouldn't think about this. She might be one of those mind-reader types. Like Parkman on Heroes. They both do carry guns, have brown hair, oh my God the similarities are endless! And, oh crap. She caught me staring. Okay, look away. Good.

Lily. Yes, think about Lily. Robin won't get upset about Lily. Lily, waiting all alone with her six pack, hoping he would show up. Oh, he wished Robin would hurry up.

But, Barney? How long…is this why they slept together last year? Is this why Ted got so upset? Does Ted know? Did Ted not tell him about this? Are we driving towards a tree?

No. I'm being too paranoid. Robin isn't going to kill me, and she (probably) can't read my mind.

Hey, lights! Finally.

xxxXXXxxx

They both remained determinedly silent as they drove haphazardly through the airport and found the nearest parking lot. Marshall grabbed his hat and sign and dashed towards the door, followed closely by Robin.

They pushed their way through the throngs of people and to the gateway where Lily should be arriving.

"Lily! Lily?" Marshall scanned the room, but saw no sign of his petite wife. His smile faded and he collapsed onto the airport bench, clutching his chauffeur sign close to his chest feeling dejected. "Where is she?"

"Seattle," came the unexpected answer.

"What?"

"Her flight's cancelled, it never took off."

"No, no, she would've called me," Marshall broke off, a thought occurring to him. He pulled out his cell phone and listened to the lunchtime phone call he had ignored. After he looked up with a sigh.

"She's not coming in until Thursday. I mean we came all the way down here and she's not even coming in until Thursday. I feel so stupid. Let's just not tell Lily about any of this."

Robin smiled slightly as she nodded; that certainly worked for her. _Problem solved. Except…_

"So, I guess we have to drive all the way back now."

_Shit_.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"I can't believe she's not coming in until Thursday," Marshall said for what felt like the thousandth time since they got back in the car. Robin had no clue what to say to cheer him up, but felt obligated to say something.

"Look, it's not that big of a deal. You'll just pick her up Thursday. I can even take you if you need a ride." _Well,_ she thought,_ that was dumb. As if either of us really want to reenact this joyful ride. God, please say no, please, please-_

"No." _Thank God._ "This was like, a sign, you know? You were right. Clinging on to these traditions is just pathetic. It's time to grow up." Marshall said this forcefully, but Robin was sure she could detect the faintest waver behind his voice. And, for reasons unbeknownst to her, she felt a pang in her heart.

Robin stared straight ahead, unsure as to how to respond to this. She wasn't good with the feelings. Anger and vengeance, sure. But sadness? Nostalgia? Not really her thing. Still, it was Marshall, and she had to say something. If only for Lily and Ted's sake.

"Come on, Marshall. You're not gonna take anything I say seriously, are you?" She guffawed a little and glanced over at her passenger, but he was still staring sullenly out his window. Ok, it was time for her to get serious. "Just because I don't do it, or because I don't understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't work for you. I mean, if these gestures make you guys happy, then you shouldn't give up on them because of one night of confusion. They've lasted twelve years, you can't let them go now."

The corners of Marshall's mouth turned slightly upwards, which Robin took to mean she had been successful. Perhaps she was better at this stuff than she gave herself credit for.

Silence overtook the car again, but this time it was comfortable, instead of stifling. The snow fell gently on the windshield, and their surroundings began to look familiar. Just a few more miles, and they were homefree. Robin began fantasizing about what it would be like to relax in the bar, talk to their friends, regain the buffer between her and Marshall. Maybe Barney would be there, wearing that navy blue suit and the tie she had bought him for-

"Why aren't we closer friends?" Leave it to Marshall to destroy the peace.

"Huh?"

Marshall turned to face Robin head on, a look of curious determination plastered on his face. "I mean, you're best friends with my wife, I'm best friends with your ex, we're both good friends with Barney, so why don't we ever talk one-on-one?"

This thought had occurred to Robin in the past, especially over the incredibly awkward ride they'd been enduring for the past couple hours, but she had always brushed if off because they had little in common. That seemed a bit harsh, however, to say out loud, so she wracked her brain for another reason while Marshall stared at her expectantly.

"I- I don't know." Okay, so not extremely intelligent, but she didn't have a lot of time. Apparently, though, Marshall wasn't going to let this go.

"When was the last time we hung out for real, just the two of us?"

"Uh, when you took me to the Canadian bar." Hah! This time she had an answer.

"Okay, what about before that?" He really wasn't going to let this one go.

"I don't know." Back to the good old standby answer.

"Well, we should some time. I mean, we should be able to talk about things. Anything." Now he was staring at her pointedly, and Robin attempted her very best 'I have no idea what you're talking about but back the hell off' face. A difficult emotion for anyone to pull off, and she was hardly up for any Oscar nominations, but she was pretty sure the point was made.

"Yeah, I guess." Finally she was pulling up to his apartment. Marshall smiled at her and patted her shoulder briefly.

"Thanks, Robin. Talk to you later." He was still wearing that weird, knowing smile, and it was making her uncomfortable.

"Yeah, anytime." As she drove away she tried to shake off the uncomfortable feeling that had overcome her from Marshall's words. She pulled out her phone and texted Barney, "Hey, wanna meet up at McClarens?"

Just to hang out. As friends. Nothing more. Right?

God, she hated Marshall.

xxxXXXxxx

"You see, Cindy, I've been diagnosed with a rare form of prostate cancer. And unless it's treated, I'll die in the next twenty-four hours. And the only known treatment is to.." the voice faded away as he leaned in to whisper in the floozy's ear.

"It's never gonna work. It can't. No one would fall for that."  
"Twenty bucks, Ted. She'll go home with him within five minutes." Ted and Lily were wagering on Barney's latest conquest, a particularly unintelligent girl, currently wiping tears away at his tragic tale. Marshall, however, was being suspiciously quiet, watching Robin, who in turn was staring intently at her scotch, determined to ignore him.

"Oh, come _on_ Lily, no one is that dumb." Lily just smiled knowingly at Ted who glared fiercely back.

Robin glanced up in time to see Barney wrap his arm around the blonde and give her the thumbs up behind her back as he led her to a secluded corner of the bar.

"Hey-oh! Pay up Mosby." Lily grinned as Ted shoved the bill in her hand. "I knew it."

"I can't believe this. Where does he find these girls? I mean, in this day and age, you'd have to be insane or completely retarded to go to bed with Barney Stinson."

"Aw, don't be a sore loser Ted. Maybe next time."

"I don't think they're dumb. I mean, he can be quite charming." Robin's head snapped up to stare at Marshall, who was looking back at her with a small smile.

"Yeah, whatever. Take Lily's side." Ted continued pouting, and Robin tried to ignore Marshall. Ever since that car ride he'd been slipping extremely un-subtle hints her way. Which were not at all appreciated. She didn't care what Barney did, and she didn't care what Ted said. At all.

She took another sip to try and wash down the foul taste in her mouth. Which had nothing to do with Barney. Who could do whatever he wanted.

She had begun justifying her actions in her own head as though Marshall could hear her, and would somehow be convinced. Which, she supposed, was kind of justifying Ted's insanity theory. She just could not win with these people.

Busy emptying her glass, she didn't even notice the handsome brunette who had come to stand next to their booth. He'd been checking her out all night, but she hadn't paid him much attention. She had been too busy alternating between ignoring Ted, Marshall, and Barney and standing trial in her own mind. It really hadn't been much of a night.

"Can I buy you a drink?" She glanced around and spotted Barney making out with his dumb floozy in a corner, and got caught by Marshall looking. She sighed heavily, and then nodded. After all, anything had to be better than this crap.

"Of course." She followed him to the bar, under the judgmental stares of her friends.

xxxXXXxxx

The guy, whose name turned out to be Steve, paid the cab driver as she stood outside his apartment. He was good-looking enough, and they got along all right. He could stand to be a tad less self-absorbed, but it was hardly a deal-breaker. He smiled at her as he led her up the stairs and to his apartment.

The second he opened the door she leaned in and kissed him, pushing him through and kicking the door closed behind her. His breath was cold, like he'd had too many breathmints, and she recalled the sensation of Barney's warm breath in her mouth before banishing the thought. _Focus, Sherbatsky. _

Steve's clumsy hands made their way up her skirt and fumbled with her belt buckle. She moved his hands away and pulled down her skirt on her own, throwing the belt behind her. They fell onto his bed with a crash, and for a moment she wondered if the bed was going to break.

She felt herself being rolled over until she was on her back. She suppressed a laugh, he wasn't ready to be in charge. She pushed him back forcefully and straddled. He looked at her in wonder, with his beautiful blue eyes- wait, no, brown eyes.

She cleared her mind as he pulled on a condom. When he succeeded she leaned in, kissing him harshly and began to thrust herself into his cock, taking full control of the encounter. He moaned longingly. She ran her expert hands through his short blonde locks-no, brown. Brown hair. His hands were on her breasts, pinching her nipples painfully. She tried to swat them away, but he was persistent. His moans grew louder now, and he was looking at her with that mischievous smirk, blue eyes twinkling, blonde hair mussed, and-

Steve let out one final moan of satisfaction and collapsed beneath her. Jerked back into reality she stared surprised at the man for a moment, collecting herself. Finally she rolled off of him and stared at the ceiling, feeling interrupted and vaguely disturbed.

It was official. Barney Stinson was ruining her life. And the worst part was, he wasn't even trying.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Marshall POV

Marshall sat bored out of his mind at his desk fiddling with a paper weight while waiting for the work day to end. This week had been especially boring; his boss had been mysteriously absent and thus could not assign any new projects for him to work on. Plus, Barney had been wrapped up in meetings and kept blowing off his conference calls. When he first took this job he would probably be worried about the suspicious circumstances, but now he figured since there hadn't been any emergency evacuations or ninja invasions yet nothing too serious could be going on.

"Crazy week, huh Erikson?" Marshall nearly fell out of his chair when one of his colleagues poked his head in with a quick, stressed smile.

"Oh, uh, yeah. Completely crazy." He glanced down at his desk and pretended to look busy, all too aware of the fact that there was nothing on it.

"All right, see ya later man." He hurried around the corner, and Marshall decided he ought to at least feign working, just in case an actual boss happened to come in next. He wheeled himself over to his computer and opened up a new document and then sat there staring at it, trying to brainstorm something to work on.

There was that thing with the water in Libya he could investigate…On second thought his bosses probably wouldn't be too pleased if anyone looked too closely into that.

As he stared dully at the pulsing computer monitor he allowed his mind to wander to how odd Robin had been acting last night. Leave it to Ted to say such careless stuff as he did at the bar, but there was no question that Robin had been behaving oddly with Barney. She wouldn't look at his conquest, or join in on betting… and she practically paraded her boy toy in front of him when she left.

Suddenly struck with an idea, Marshall grinned widely and began to type.

**Proof that Robin Sherbatsky has Thing For Barney Stinson**

**She described her perfect guy as pretty much Barney without the whoring around.**

**She hasn't looked me in the eye since I asked her if she liked him.**

**She refused to say anything about the girl he was trying to sleep with.**

**She practically falls out of her seat laughing at even his grossest jokes.**

**She slept with him last year, and since hasn't had a single relationship that lasted past the second date.**

**Every time she called from Japan she would always ask to talk to Barney, and they'd have the longest conversations of anyone.**

**She never specifically denied it. Or convincingly, anyway.**

**She visited him in the hospital everyday. **

**She only auditioned for that job because he told her she should.**

**Whenever he walks into the bar she gets a goofy smile and scoots over so he'll sit next to**

"AH!" For the second time in ten minutes Marshall had to clutch onto the side of his desk to keep from falling onto the floor when he looked up to see the man in question standing over his desk, tossing up one of his stress balls curiously.

"What are you doing here?" Marshall asked, perhaps a little too aggressively, as Barney raised his eyebrows questioningly. "I mean, privacy, dude." Barney stared at him confused for a second, then his eyes widened and he smiled conspiratorially.

"Oh, I get it. You were _reading a magazine_ weren't you. Sorry, carry on."

"What? Ew, no. And I told you that's not what that means." Barney stopped and turned back to face Marshall, who was blushing deeply now.

"Oh, okay. Whatever. You do know that's not a laptop, right?"

Marshall realized that he had been desperately batting at his desktop, trying to get it to close, and immediately stopped.

"Uh, yeah," he lied unconvincingly, hoping the heat in his cheeks wasn't showing too obviously. However, Barney didn't seem to be paying much attention to him.

"So, you up for a bit of conference call action, dude?" Barney smiled with the enthusiasm of a twelve year old asking his dad to play catch, and Marshall couldn't help but smile a bit too.

"Uh, only _always._ This can wait." Marshall quickly saved the document and shut down his computer, following his friend out to the roof.

xxxXXXxxx

Later that night Ted and Marshall had the booth to themselves. Lily was upstairs working on a lesson plan and Barney got held up at work and Marshall had no idea where Robin was.

Ted was whining incessantly about some girl he met on the F-train that morning with whom he thought he had really connected with, but he had forgotten to get her phone number. When he started to consider riding the train back and forth until she got on, Marshall interrupted.

"Did you think things got, I don't know, weird last night?"

"Huh? Oh, uh, not really. Why?"

"You know, wasn't Robin acting a little strangely?" Marshall tried to prod a more helpful response out of Ted while remaining subtle.

"Oh, yeah! I can't believe she went home with someone she only talked to for like, ten seconds. I had totally forgotten about that…" Ted glanced off into the distance for a moment, and Marshall couldn't help but wonder if his best friend was a tad oblivious.

"Do you think maybe it was because of something we said? About Barney?" Marshall asked carefully.

"Barney? Nah. I think she's just lonely or something. And you know what? So am I. I think I'm going to try and find that girl…" And with that, the window of opportunity was lost. Ted droned on about the "mystery girl" (apparently he hadn't quite caught her name either, but she definitely looked like a Katie) and Marshall feigned interest, but was caught up in his own thoughts.

He knew Ted and could always tell when he was lying. And he was pretty sure that Ted legitimately didn't see anything between Robin and Barney. Which would mean that he was the only one that Robin had mentioned anything to. He couldn't help but have a slight feeling of pride: when she had been in love with Ted she told everyone but him.

Now all he had to do was not spill the beans.

xxxXXXxxx

**Proof that Robin Sherbatsky and Barney Stinson Being Together would be the Equivalent to Apocalypse Now**

**It's Barney.**

**It's Robin.**

**Ted. No matter who he's with, he always has residual feelings for Robin. And no one wants a rehash of last year.**

**They both have severe commitment phobia. Two wrongs do not make a right.**

**It's Barney.**

**It's Robin.**

**It would mess with the group dynamic. God, they'd probably be making sex jokes all the time. Gross.**

**She/he would not be able to be faithful. Probably.**

**Last time Barney had feelings he was all hippie and not-awesome.**

**It's Barney. And Robin. **

It had been days since Marshall had seen or heard from Robin. She hadn't been showing up at McClarens and she blew off a coffee date with Lily yesterday morning. Marshall was sure he knew what she was doing: she was trying to avoid Barney until her feelings went away.

Because there was no longer any question; she most definitely did have feelings for Barney. No matter what she said to the contrary.

A knock came from the door, which Marshall had finally learned to shut while working on illicit activities.

"Come in," he called as he closed down the window on his computer.

Barney walked in slowly, staring intently at his shoes.

"What's up, dude? Conference call?" Marshall smiled cheerily; these conference calls were the highlight of his days at this job.

"Actually no." Barney's feet were tapping on the floor distractedly and he looked more uncomfortable than Marshall had ever seen him.

Marshall realized that his friend was not going to continue voluntarily, and said, "What's wrong? You okay?"

"Yeah, I guess. It's just…" he trailed off again and Marshall stared expectantly at him, and began to worry. Barney took a deep breath and flashed a brief smile in his direction. "I was just wondering, have you seen Robin anywhere? It's just, you know, wing-woman down."

Marshall breathed a sigh of relief. "No, not since the other night at the bar. Why?"

"Oh, you know. Just curious. Whatever. See you later Erikson." Barney said all of this while walking backwards out the door of Marshall's office, and quickly closed the door behind him.

Marshall stared at the door for a moment, trying to make sense of that encounter. _Did he know about Robin's feelings? Did something happen between them? Oh crap, this whole thing is such a bad, bad idea. _

xxxXXXxxx

It was two o'clock in the morning and Lily was sound asleep next to him. A thunder storm raged on outside which kept Marshall awake, deep in thought.

Clearly Robin wanted and needed these feelings to go away. But avoiding was certainly not the best idea. After all, isn't that what she tried to do with Ted? And he certainly remembered how that had turned out. They broke up and the group was nearly destroyed.

So she was going to need help getting over Barney. And Marshall was determined to help her do that. Clearly she just needed some perspective on this whole thing.

At once, Lily let out a huge snore, the thunder clapped outside, and a sharp knock came from their front door. Surprised, Marshall looked over to make sure Lily was still asleep, covered her securely with the comforter, and walked quietly towards the door, his superstitious side getting the better of him as he wondered what could be going on.

Marshall leaned in and peered through the peep hole to see a rain-soaked and determined looking Robin.

"Hey, Robin," Marshall started as he opened the door to let her in, but Robin was clearly not in the mood for small talk.

"I need your help," she said, a glint shining in her eye and a small smile forming on her lips.

Marshall nodded sagely. "To get over Barney?"

"No. To _get_ Barney."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

"Here you go," Robin whispered, passing a glass of water to Marshall as she slid onto the couch across from him. "So, how are you doing?"

Marshall continued staring blankly at a spot on the wall right above her right shoulder as he'd been doing for the past five minutes. Robin was starting to wonder if she had broken him.

"Look," she started, unsure of how to explain herself effectively. "It's really not that big of a deal, I mean-"

"Not that big of a deal? Robin are you serious? This is a huge deal!" Marshall yelled, standing up to tower over her, but the petulance in his eyes only made him look like an overgrown child.

"Hey! Sit down and shut up! You're going to wake up Lily and you swore you wouldn't tell her about this. Now calm down." Robin may not be nearly as tall as Marshall, but the angry glint in her eye combined with her menacing tone cowed him into obeying.

"Okay, I'm sorry for yelling. But this is just, crazy. I mean, I understand that you like him, okay I really don't _understand _it, but you do, and that's okay. But that does not mean this is a good idea. At all. I mean, I made a list. I will resort to visual aid if I have to."

Robin sighed deeply, and couldn't help but wonder if she'd made a mistake in coming here. But he had promised she could talk to him if she needed to, and for once in her life, she actually did need to talk.

"All right, this clearly isn't working." Robin grabbed her coat and walked to the door.

"Wait, Robin, where are you going?" Marshall looked rather guilty, so Robin tossed him a smile.

"Clearly this is not a conversation we can have without some social lubricant. Come on."

xxxXXXxxx

"Oh, finally," Robin murmured as Wendy the Waitress placed a scotch in front of her and an extra large pitcher of beer next to Marshall. She waited for him to take a nice long sip before beginning to talk.

"Okay, so you promise you're going to remain calm this time?" Marshall hesitated and then nodded apprehensively.

"And you're not going to yell in front of the entire bar?" He nodded again.

"And you'll let me explain everything, no interruptions, and not judge?" Another nod.

"And you'll be my slave for a month?"

"Yes, Robin, Jes- I mean, no, wait, what?" Robin smirked to herself, as Marshall glared furiously at her. "Could you please just start?"

"Just one more. You have to swear to me, that no matter what I reveal to you tonight at this bar, you have to keep this secret. And that means from Lily too. Got it?" Marshall paused, contemplating for a long, painful moment. Then he took a long sip from his beer and nodded slowly.

"I promise. Look, I meant what I said about you being able to talk to me. Whenever, whatever. And I'm sorry I freaked out on you earlier, I just- wasn't expecting this."

Robin smiled ruefully and replied, "Yeah, me neither."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Robin deep in thought about the mess she had gotten herself into. Of all the people in the world, it had to be this one. Of the 3 billion men in the world, she'd somehow fallen for the questionable charms of one Barney Stinson.

"Er, Robin? Sorry, to, you know, interrupt you…sitting there quietly… but are you going to explain?"

Robin rolled her eyes, but didn't really mind being jerked out of that particular thought.

"Okay, so I guess you want to know how I decided this?" Marshall nodded emphatically, making Robin smile. "So remember the other night when Barney told that girl he was dying of some rare disease he picked up while in the Peace Corps?" Marshall barely suppressed a snort here, but Robin sent him a glare the silenced him. "And remember I went home with a guy afterwards? Well, here's what happened the next morning."

xxxXXXxxx

_Robin splashed cold water on her face, relishing the moment of shock to fully wake herself up. She stared fiercely at her reflection in the mirror, examining every last aspect of her appearance. _

_Which, to say the least, was less than optimal._

_Her eye makeup had smeared, her hair was mussed and slightly greasy, and there were large bags under her eyes as proof of her long, restless night._

_After her disturbing encounter with- Sam? Stew? Whatever- she had tossed and turned all night, unable to fall asleep, obsessing over what it had meant._

_Robin Sherbatsky did not obsess about the deeper of meaning of things. It had long been her philosophy, a philosophy that had worked out quite well in her life, to not question things out of her control, just have a good time living. Except now, while she was attempting to have some fun, visions of that jackass Barney were plaguing her mind, entrenched deep in her psyche, smirking at her with that adorable smile and…_

_Jesus this was bad. She had a job interview in less than an hour and she looked like some ten buck hooker in an alley and she couldn't stop thinking about a stupid guy like a love struck teenager._

_Pull it together, Sherbatsky. Focus. _

_With that she forcibly shoved all thoughts of Barney Stinson out of her mind and began wiping away her makeup._

_Halfway through applying concealer to mask the remnants of her night she heard her phone ring from the other room. She rushed the finishing touches and ran out to grab it, hoping she didn't miss the call if it was about a job._

_So desperate to pick up the phone before it went to her voicemail she grabbed it without glancing at her caller ID._

_"Hey, Sherbatsky, whaddup?" Cursing under her breath, Robin hopped up and down on one foot awkwardly._

_"Oh, uh, hey Barney, now is really not a good time. I've got this interview in, like, half an hour and I'm not even kind of ready." That was true. Just get him off the phone as fast as possible so she could get back to focusing. _

_"Oh, yeah? Do you have a game plan for the meeting?" he asked, sounding genuinely interested._

_"Well, I'm supposed to do a rehearsal of reading the news, so I was thinking of, you know, reading the news. I'm just crazy like that."_

_"Please. That's not going to work. You have to go in there and act like a total ditz. Screw stuff up and just smile a lot. That way the dudes interviewing you will think you're dumb and an easy lay." She could practically hear his self-satisfied smile on the other end of the phone._

_"No offense Barney, but that's got to be the single dumbest idea I've ever heard. I should act like I can't do the job so I get the job based on the possibility of future sexual harassment instead of merit. Really?" _

_"Well, have you gotten a job yet doing it your way? Come on, Robin, you have to think outside the box. Or inside. Some guys like the whole, caged up thing. Whaddup? _

_Deciding she probably wasn't going to change his mind, and with another quick glance at the clock she just laughed and said, "Whatever. I really have to go, unless you needed something?"_

_"Oh yeah," Barney sounded slightly more hesitant, but he was probably just miffed he didn't get a phone-five offer. "I was just wondering if you might want to grab a quick lunch at that burger place on 14__th__." Robin momentarily stopped everything she was doing, including breathing._

_"Yeah, sure. I love hamburgers." That slipped out before the logical part of her brain could stop it. Damn impulsiveness. _

_"Awesome. See you around one, 'kay? And trust me, Sherbatsky, I know how these guys think. Stinson out." And then he was gone before she could come up with a reason to back out. _

_Robin put her phone back on the end table and walked briskly to the bathroom. She began applying mascara and pretended not to notice the small smile forming on her lips or the feeling of her heart returning to a normal pace._

_xxxXXXxxx_

_"And thus concludes the chilling story of what happens when you mix a serial murderer, chocolate, and a box of pencils. Now back to you Robin." _

_Robin started at her name, almost falling out of the uncomfortable chair she was situated in. "Oh, awesome. I mean, thank you, John. And now to, um, sports."_

_"No, there are no sports, this is news-only. And there's no one else here to do sports. It's time to wrap up the newscast, isn't it, Robin?" John looked at her pointedly, keeping his fake smile firmly in place._

_"Right, sorry. Well, that's today's news, hope it was fun, um, tune in next week, I mean, tomorrow. Night. Tomorrow night, at seven. Oh, five. Seven or five really, your TV's should always be tuned in to channel 17. Thank you, and have a good night." Robin trailed off at the end under the incredulous stare of her co-anchor._

_The lights dimmed and John immediately got up, muttering something about a waste of time, and Robin slowly picked up her briefcase and walked over to her interviewers._

_"So, how'd I do?" she asked in the best imitation of a peppy cheerleader she could muster. Judging by the uncomfortable look exchanged by the two men, she'd guess not awesome, but decided against saying as much, and instead just inwardly cussed out Barney._

_"Well, you seem very nice, but to anchor our newscast I think we're going to need someone a little…" he drifted off waiting for the other man to jump in. _

_"A little less spacey. There might be an opening for a weather girl soon, though, if you'd like to come and reapply. And in the meantime, here's my card. Just in case you need some help…finding a job." He smiled in a way that managed to be both faux encouraging and completely gross before they both walked off the stage, chuckling rudely._

_Robin groaned and kicked a chair angrily. She hated this stupid job search. And she hated Barney. Stupid, dumb advice. Why did she ever listen to him? _

_Grabbing her stuff off the floor, Robin stomped angrily out of the studio inwardly bemoaning the fact that nothing was going her way that day and what a crappy turn her life had taken recently. She pushed the door open and walked into the bright, sunny day outside, slamming it hard behind her._

_"Ooh, feisty. Just the way I like 'em." Robin nearly jumped out of her shoes at the sound of the familiar, sleazy voice from her left. She turned to see Barney in a fitted dark blue suit leaning casually against the door of the building. She forced her face to remain neutral, and told herself that her heart was beating a hundred beats per second because he had surprised her._

_"What are you doing here?" she asked, hoping she sounded nonchalant._

_"Lunch date, remember?" Okay, her heart most certainly did not jump at the word 'date.' Because that? That would be gross. _

_"I figured we were meeting there," she replied honestly._

_"Yeah, well, I've got some nice wheels today," he said, jabbing one perfectly manicured finger towards the street where a long, black limo was parked. "If you'd rather take walk, though," he continued, grinning evilly, "I'm sure I wouldn't mind watching you. As long as it was from the back." He winked in that infuriating way he did causing Robin to huff with exasperation as she started towards the limo. _

_"How'd you know where I was, anyway? I didn't tell you where the interview was."_

_She thought she detected a split second of uncertainty, a break in the bravado, but before she could be sure the mask was back, firmly in place._

_"Heh. Please."_

xxxXXXxxx

"Wait, I thought Barney hadn't seen you since the other night at the bar?"

"Marshall! What did I say about interrupting?" Robin snapped; she had been really getting into telling this story. Now she knew how Ted felt. With that weird, disturbing thought she took another sip from her fourth glass of scotch.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly.

"And what gave you that idea?"  
"Well when he came into my office yesterday, I don't know, he was asking where you were, and I just assumed."

"He was looking for me?" Robin looked a little mollified and stared off into space for a moment. "Nah, that was probably about something else. Later in the story."

"Cool." There was a bit of silence as Robin tried to regain her thoughts, and Marshall couldn't help himself. "So you really took Barney's advice for the job? Seriously?" He giggled, despite the angry glare she threw at him.

"Actually, that was pretty much his reaction."

xxxXXXxxx

_"Oh, come on, it's pretty funny." Barney sputtered through his giggles, while Robin simply looked stonily at him. _

_"It is not funny. I didn't get the job and looked like an idiot! And its all your fault. You and your stupid plans." _

_"Hey, don't blame the plans!" Barney said, immediately serious again, though with a playful glint in his eyes. "Anyway, I told you to act like a ditz, not insane. I mean, I didn't say you couldn't read." He started to smile again, and Robin couldn't help but roll her eyes, and allow a smile to creep up on her lips too._

_"Yeah, okay, but you know I'm not the best actress in the world. Ugh, it was totally humiliating," With that she buried her head in her hands, trying to hide her embarrassment. _

_"Aw, Robin, don't worry about it." Barney scooted over to her in the booth and casually draped one arm over her shoulder. "Come on, look at me," he said in a tone that was half-laughing, half-comforting. She peeked up a bit from her hands. "That job was totally beneath you anyway. It would just be a repeat of MetroNews1. And you were way too awesome for that job then, and you're way too awesome for this job now." He smiled encouragingly at her, and she was surprised at how sincere he could be when he tried. _

_She smiled back at him, looking into his warm eyes, and held the moment just a beat too long. Without warning Barney's head snapped back, and he was back over to his place at the table before she could blink, all intimacy at the table disappearing. _

_Robin tried to regain her composure, and pretend that moment had meant as little to her as it did to Barney, who was now scoping the place and not meeting her eyes. _

_"So how was the guy last night," he asked conversationally._

_Slightly surprised, Robin answered, "Oh, fine. You know, pretty boring." She knew she should ask about his night, but she really didn't want to hear it, she just wanted him to have his arm around her again and be smiling in that way that made her feel safe and comfortable and-_

_"Mine was pretty awesome. I mean, the girl was dumb, but totally up for anything. And hot as all hell." Robin felt a surge of unwanted anger flow through her. This was so not what she wanted to talk about, and he was just completely oblivious, not even bothering to look at her._

_"Boobs? Totally real. I know, I was surprised too! But trust me, me and those babies became good friends that night and I know for a fact they would never lie to me." He put his hand up for an automatic high five, but didn't seem too bothered when Robin failed to deliver. He still wasn't even glancing in her direction, just going on about some stupid bimbo when she was right there. How could he be so sweet one second and such a complete jerk the next?_

_"Yikes, and dude, we gave bathroom sex a whole new meaning, I mean-" _

_"Shut up!" Barney finally turned to look at her, shock and hurt spreading across his expressive face. "God, you are such a sleazebag, you know that?" She had started and she couldn't stop. His eyes were getting wide, that puppy dog look he had when talking about his father, and she never wanted to make him look that way, but her mouth refused to listen to her brain. "Honestly, I have no idea why I hang out with someone like you. You disgust me."_

_"Robin, I-" he started, but Robin grabbed her bag and stomped out, only pausing to catch a quick glance of Barney sitting at the booth looking nonplused and very, very small._

_Once outside Robin tried to catch her breath, but felt oddly like the whole world was pushing at her ribcage, suffocating her. She wanted to go back inside and apologize, make that look on his face disappear and never come back again, but she couldn't. He probably hated her, all because she had a bad day and took it out on him._

_And that's all it was. Not jealousy. Jealousy would mean she cared what he did with other girls, that she let it affect herself. Jealousy would mean she had allowed herself to get close enough to someone to let their actions influence her feelings. Jealousy would mean she had fallen a tiny bit in love with Barney Stinson._

_Okay, maybe a little jealousy._

xxxXXXxxx

"So, that's what happened. That's why I've been avoiding you guys." Robin couldn't quite bring herself to meet Marshall's eyes, unsure of what she'd see there.

"Wow. That- wow. So _that's_ why he was looking for you. If it helps, he didn't seem angry. Just worried." Great, that made Robin feel worse. She was a total bitch to him and she didn't even hate him.

"So you see my problem here? See what a mess I've made of things? I'm not good with this whole feelings thing. I screw it up. I need help. And I can't ask Ted, because of the whole ex thing. I can't ask Barney because, you know, conflict of interests. And I can't ask Lily, because she'd freak out and be asking about us going to Bed and Breakfasts in Vermont and getting married and playing bridge. I mean, you might be 50% girl, but she's 100% girl. Lesser of two evils." She gave Marshall a slight smile, and but he was looking rather indignant about the last remark. "Plus, you promised not to judge."

"Okay, ignoring the 50% girl remark, which we will come back to, do you think maybe you might have stumbled on to the main problem with this 'thing' you've got going on here? And I'm not trying to judge, but what makes you think once you get Barney you guys are going to be right for each other? If you're fighting already, maybe it's not the best idea?" He said this haltingly, as if he was choosing his words as carefully as possible.

Robin glanced down at her seventh empty glass of scotch and sighed. "Of course I thought that. I'm not dumb. That's why I was taking a break from the group the past few days; I figured if I had some time all the stupid feelings would go away and everything would be all right when I came back.

"The thing is I couldn't stay away. Because I missed him. And not in a desperate, clingy way, or a 'I can't live without him' way. I just missed laughing with him, and joking with him. And fighting about stupid little things. And playing pranks on you guys. And drinking, and talking about nothing, and everything. I'm not stupid, I know it's not going to be perfect, but maybe it doesn't have to be. I just like the way I feel when I'm around him. And maybe it's not the perfect, soul mate stuff like with you and Lily, but I think, for me, for us, it might be enough." No one said anything for a long moment.

"Crap, that was really sappy, wasn't it? I told you I'm not good with the feelings. I didn't mean, to like, Ted-out on you, and- oh my God, are you _crying_?" Marshall tried to wipe his eyes surreptitiously.

"No, _you're_ crying," he muttered back unconvincingly. Robin suddenly felt very uncomfortable, and looked away purposefully. She began tearing the paper napkin into pieces to give her hands something to do as she waited for Marshall to collect himself. This was exactly why she didn't want to tell anyone, she was afraid of this reaction.

A few minutes passed in quiet, as the bar began the last call around them. It was nearing four in the morning, and the sun was starting to come up in the background.

"So if, _if,_ I'm going to help you, we're going to need a plan."

Robin slowly raised her head to meet his eyes and saw a wide grin spread across his face and knew instinctively that her own expression mirrored his exactly.

Maybe this was a good idea after all.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

It was half past four in the morning; last call had long since past and Marshall and Robin were still lounging in their booth enjoying the comfortable silence that had descended. Marshall was deep in thought trying to formulate a plan to present to Robin, who was amusing herself by playing quarters by herself.

Carl the bartender walked by and cleared their extra glasses with an almost imperceptible smirk on his lips.

"All right, I've got it," Marshall announced triumphantly, with a slight slur to his speech. Robin immediately paused her game and looked up eagerly.

"I've got two options for you. And I'm pretty sure you'll have trouble choosing between them, because they're both incredibly awesome." Robin giggled drunkenly, and waved her hands to signal he should continue.

"Option number one: So you go back to your apartment. You get a good night's sleep, so you'll be well-rested for the master plan."

"Oh, I like sleep. I like this so far." Robin giggled again as she took another sip from her drink that seemed to never empty.

"I know, right? Okay, so then you're going to get all dolled up. You know, put on some nice clothes, some makeup, do your hair in that girly way."

"Got it."

"Then you're going to go over to Barney's apartment late tomorrow night and you're going to knock on his door." Marshall mimed knocking, in case it wasn't clear, and Robin nodded understandingly.

"Knocking, okay, good plan."

"Then he's going to open the door and you're going to say 'Barney Stinson, I am madly in love with you and I hope you feel the same way, and I think we should be together." Marshall sat back in the booth with a self-satisfied smile playing on his lips.

"_What?" _

"Yeah, I know, for such a short time I really impress myself sometimes."

"You've got to be kidding me."

Slightly deflated, Marshall frowned and replied, "Well, sure, the dialogue needs some work, but I still think it's pretty strong…"

"No. No way, Marshall! I can't just go to his place and say that."

"What? Why not? You are in love with him, right?"

"Okay, first of all, I would not say I'm in _love_ with the guy." Marshall arched one eyebrow in the way he had seen Barney do it so many times before. "I mean, I like him and all, so maybe I'm in 'like' with him. But that's all."

"Fine. Say you're madly in 'like' with him. Same thing."

"No! Are you trying to ruin this? Not happening, Marshall. No. What's option number two?"

Annoyed, but knowing he had no chance of winning this argument, Marshall rolled his eyes and began explaining the second choice.

"Option number two is much less direct."

"Good," Robin muttered.

"So you're going to go home, get some rest, relax a bit."

"Again, starting off good," Robin said, raising her magically refilled glass in celebration.

"Then tonight you're going to call Barney up on the phone."

"Oh, phone call. I like it."

"And you're going do that thing when you're like, 'Oh, Barney, did I call you? Whoops must've gotten the wrong number.'"

"Misdirection, very nice Marshall."

"And then you're going to say, 'Well, while I've got you on the phone I was wondering if you might want to grab some dinner tomorrow night, like on a date?'"

"Christ, Marshall, you must be kidding me."

"What now? What was wrong with that one?" Marshall raised his voice indignantly, feeling oddly defensive over his plans.

"I can not just _ask him out._"

Marshall stared blankly at her for a moment.

"Um, why the hell not?"

"Because that would defeat the purpose!" Robin responded as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"But, the purpose is to get him to go out with you! How is asking him out defeating the purpose?"

"Because, the purpose is to get him to _like _me."

"Like you so he'll go out with you."

"Exactly."

"What?" Marshall buried his head in his hands with a combination of exasperation and exhaustion.

"Okay," Robin said diplomatically, "Clearly you do not understand this."

"No, I really don't," Marshall moaned into his hands. "You want to go out with him, but you don't want to ask him out, and you want him to like you but you don't want to tell him you like him."

"Well, yeah."

"But, why?"

"Come on, Marshall, I can't be the one to make the first move! That'd be completely insane."

"Why? Someone has to make the first move, why can't it be you?"

"You said it yourself. It's Barney. He doesn't like me that way."

"How would you possibly know that? You haven't bothered to ask!" Marshall was beginning to think Robin was a completely helpless case at this point, and all the drinking had started to make him a little nauseous.

"He just doesn't think of me like that. I mean, he thinks I'm hot, because, well, you know," she gestured at her body with a self-aware smirk.

"Eh," Marshall muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Robin snapped, her voice raising quite a few octaves causing Marshall to clutch his ears in pain.

"Nothing, nothing. Sorry."

With a harsh glare in his direction Robin continued. "But he doesn't think of me as someone to actually date. He doesn't think of anyone that way. I mean, at the most he sees me as a fuck buddy, someone to have sex with but without any strings attached and…" Robin trailed off with a thoughtful look on her face.

"Uh, Robin?" Marshall waved a hand in front of her face.

"Hang on, that's actually perfect. Why was I freaking myself out about a relationship? Sex, no talking, no feelings, there's no down side! Wow, why didn't I think of that, Marshall?"

"Huh? What? No! You did think of that! I did not say that! That was your idea completely! And a really bad one, at that."

"Why? I think it's perfect," Robin said dreamily.

"Yeah, well, you're drunk. And besides, that would never work. One of you would get jealous or you'd get in a fight and then you wouldn't be able to talk to each other ever again and the entire group would be ruined!" Marshall was practically in hysterics at this point and consoled himself with another healthy sip of beer.

"Relax, that wouldn't happen because there would be no feelings involved. It would be like friends with benefits."

"But there would be feelings involved! You already have the feelings! They aren't going to go away if you guys start sleeping together. In fact, I've heard they actually get stronger when that happens." Marshall felt like he was trying to explain colors to a blind person, and was utterly exhausted by the effort.

Robin slumped down, dejected. "Oh, yeah. I forgot about that."

Marshall rolled his eyes. "This is going to be very, very hard, isn't it?"

"Heh, yeah it is. Whaddup?" Robin raised a hand for the high five.

"Dear God, there are two of them," Marshall murmured as he slapped her hand. "Now, can you try and explain why you don't want to just ask him out?" Marshall said in his absolute best imitation of Lily's kindergarten voice.

Robin sighed and ran a hand through her messy hair.

"Because, I really, really like him. And-"

"And you think he might not feel the same way."

"Exactly. But what if he agrees to go out with me anyway? And I'm already in-" Robin cut herself off abruptly. "I'm already 'in like' with him, and he's just starting to feel the same way. Then it's uneven, and it'll be just like with Ted, except this time I'll be the Ted! And I really, really don't want to be the Ted!"

Marshall clucked sympathetically. As twisted as that reasoning was, it did make a small amount of sense, which is more than he could say about the rest of the conversation.

"All right, I'll try to think of a better plan at work. We can talk about it tonight, okay?"

Robin raised her head from where she had been banging it against the table and smiled slightly.

"Thank you, Marshall. For everything."

Marshall smiled back, a slight feeling of hope arising in his stomach. Feeling decidedly more cheerful than he had most of that night, he helped her up, bade goodnight to Carl, and walked out of the bar.

Carl laughed to himself as he wiped off the table with his dirty rag. It was certainly going to be an entertaining couple of weeks.

xxxXXXxxx

Marshall walked up towards his building as the sun began to rise. He prayed that Lily would still be asleep so he wouldn't have to explain his absence to her. He was no good with lying, especially not to her.

Right as he entered the complex he saw the elevator door beginning to close.

"Hey, hold the door!" he called, picking up his pace to make it.

A slender hand stuck out and caught the closing doors, and Marshall slipped through.

"Thanks, I-Lily?"

"Marshall?"

They stood awkwardly in the elevator for a moment, both avoiding eye contact.

"Where were you?" they chorused at the same time.

"I was with Barney," Marshall said as Lily answered, "I was with Robin."

"_You_ were with Robin?" "_You_ were with Barney?"

Both stared accusingly at each other for a moment until the elevator bell dinged and opened to let them out on their floor. They walked to their apartment in silence, Marshall trying frantically to figure out his story.

Once they were inside Lily turned to look at him.

"So, what's going on?"

Marshall decided to just fess up and tell the truth. "I was with Robin." Lily cocked an eyebrow curiously. "She was really upset about some job thing, and asked me to help her work on her resume." Or, you know, most of the truth. "What about you?"

"I was with Barney. He, uh, he was upset about something."

"Oh." Marshall had no idea what would upset Barney so much that he would call Lily in the middle of the night, but he didn't feel like he was in a position to be questioning her story. "Well, I'm pretty exhausted, and I have to go wash up before work." He started to walk towards the bathroom.

"Hang on." He turned around to face his wife, who seemed to be inwardly debating something before she continued. "Did Robin, um, say anything to you? About Barney?"

Lily was biting her lower lip, a sure sign that she was worried about something, but for the life of him Marshall couldn't fathom what.

"No. Just the job stuff."

"Oh." Marshall could have sworn he detected a slight air of disappointment in her tone, but shrugged it off and went to take a shower.

Three minutes later he was joined by his wife, all traces of awkwardness gone.

xxxXXXxxx

Marshall sat at his desk that afternoon, empty coffee cups surrounding him and stared blankly at his computer screen. He had promised he would come up with some sort of plan for Robin by that night but the lingering effects of the alcohol and the fact that he hadn't slept at all the night before meant that his brain had come to a complete stop.

He was still having trouble understanding why Robin couldn't just tell him. It would make everything so much easier. When he met Lily practically the first thing he did was ask her to a movie. And that went fine.

Speaking of Lily…

Lying to her was really eating up at his conscience. He never lied to Lily, and he didn't want to start now. Especially with such a big lie. Who knows how long it will take to get Barney to fall in love (sorry, 'in like') with Robin?

Ted would say it was impossible, but then Ted didn't seem to think Barney was capable of human emotion. Marshall wouldn't go that far, just that Barney didn't _like_ human emotion. It made him feel vulnerable in a way he hadn't since Shannon, and that made him uncomfortable.

Actually, Robin was pretty terrified of being vulnerable as well.

He wondered briefly if that meant they were perfect for each other or a disaster waiting to happen. It was probably better if he didn't think about it too hard.

Lily would surely be extremely pissed when she found out that he'd been keeping this a secret for so long. This would be the exactly the kind of thing she would love. Playing matchmaker was her favorite pastime. She would probably yell at him for not telling her…might even not talk to him…and she could be awfully scary when she was mad…

Robin, on the other hand, was awfully scary all the time, and he really wasn't too keen on getting on her bad side. So no telling Lily. Yet.

Marshall stopped his daydreaming and began to type.

**Proof that Robin Sherbatsky and Barney Stinson Being in a Relationship Might Possibly Be OK (Though Totally Dysfunctional)**

**They always laugh at each other's jokes, even when they're dumb and/or gross.**

**Robin's the only one who could put up with Barney's antics 24/7.**

**Barney's the only one who makes her act less like a robot and more like a human being.**

**They could go playing Lazer Tag together so they'll stop asking me and Ted.**

**Neither of them would try to force the other into commitment.**

**They're both so insanely relationship-phobic that they might be the only ones who actually understand each other.**

**They could mock Ted together.**

**Robin Sparkles and Hippie!Barney would totally have been into each other. They could have made incredibly crappy (yet hilarious) music together.**

**He makes her happy.**

**It's Barney. And Robin. I don't know what that means, but still.**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Robin plopped down on her couch, her mind still reeling from the events of the night. Marshall had promised to come up with some sort of plan during his work day, and they were supposed to meet up around six at the bar. Until then her day was wide open.

Exhausted, Robin pondered for the hundredth time how dull it was to be unemployed. She had nothing to fill her days up with anymore except sitting around, watching TV, and thinking. And thinking had led to feeling. In fact, she was pretty sure she could blame her situation with Barney on being unemployed.

Speaking of Barney, she wondered if he had called. She pulled out her phone, which had been off since the other day when she had lunch with Barney and checked her messages. Ted had left one letting her know that she hadn't gotten a job that she knew she wasn't going to get anyway, but it was still a pang in the gut. And Barney had left exactly none.

Marshall had said he wasn't mad at her, but wouldn't he have at least called? Ask her where she'd been? A lump formed in the back of her throat as she recalled the expression on his face when she had laid into him. God, she was so stupid sometimes.

Oh well, there was nothing she could really do about it now. She'd just wait until it all blew over. He'd get over it eventually, and Marshall _did_ say Barney had been worried about her, not angry. She yawned hugely, and stretched out on the couch. Well, it's not like she had anywhere to be. Might as well take a quick nap…

xxxXXXxxx

Crap, crap, crap. It was 6:20 already and Robin wasn't even dressed. Who knew a quick nap could last that long? Ugh, Marshall was going to be pissed. He must've been tired too, and he had to go to work.

Well, at least he had a job. Not that she was bitter or anything. And for the love of God, where were her pants? After hurling every piece of clothing out of her dresser she located a skirt in the midst, inwardly cursing Ted and his random urges to reorganize her bedroom.

Her phone rang again, but she ignored it as she ran to the bathroom and tried to make herself presentable. Her hair was a mess and she was wearing almost no makeup but her phone buzzed to indicate another waiting voice mail so she just ran a comb through her tangled locks and splashed some cold water on her face. She frowned at her reflection, but figured it was just Marshall and he'd rather she show up.

Grabbing her purse as she went Robin dashed out the apartment and down the stairs, praying Marshall wouldn't be too annoyed.

She burst through the bar doors in record time to see Marshall tearing up pieces of his napkin and glancing at his watch.

"Hey, sorry I'm late," she panted, taking a seat across from him with a smile. He looked tired but nodded a greeting anyway. "So, how went the planning?"

With that Marshall's eyes lit up. "Pretty good. I mean, it's not perfect, but I think with a little luck we're going to capture one Barnabus Stinson." He thought about this for a moment and rephrased, "Well, you're going to capture. I'm just helping."

Robin snickered. "All right, let me see." She reached over and grabbed the packet of paper from him. "Marshall's Master Matchmaking Machine? Really dude?"

Marshall's cheeks flushed and he snatched the paper back. "Just a working title," he muttered.

Robin tried to stifle her laughter. "But Machine? Why machine?"

Eyes downcast he answered, "Alliteration. No word starts with 'm' and means plan. I even Googled it."

"What about method? That would work."

"Okay, this is not about the title! Could you please at least try to focus?"

Robin stopped giggling and plastered on her best 'serious' face. "Yes, sir. Please, explain the machine."

Marshall rolled his eyes, but opened the packet to the next page and began reading anyway. "Step One: Make yourself attractive to him." Robin raised her eyebrow skeptically and opened her mouth to speak but Marshall steamrolled over her. "It's a proven fact that Barney is a primary visual creature. Judging by the women he chooses to sleep with, he looks for women who are, to put in laymen's terms, hot."

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?" Robin asked indignantly.

"Huh?" Marshall looked up from his notes, his lawyer speak interrupted. "What? Nothing."

"You don't think he finds me hot? Because trust me, he does. I mean he's already slept with me."

"Ew, I know that. Ugh, could we instate a new rule whereby you are no longer allowed to discuss your sexual relations with the man in question?"

"Could we instate a new rule whereby you have to stop talking like that?"

"No. I'm a lawyer. Thus, I talk like a lawyer."

"You're talking like a pompous douche."

"Oh my God, you are so annoying!"

"See? That's better." Robin leaned back in the booth with a triumphant smile as Marshall fumed. She probably shouldn't tease him this much; he did look really tired and was a little touchy, but it was just so much fun.

"Fine. Now could we just get back to the plan?"

"You mean the machine?"

"Robin!"

"Yeah, yeah. Continue."

"Thank you. Now as you can see in this diagram," Robin leaned in, amazed at the detail. There were different panels with images of a man and a woman. She wondered how long this took him, and if he actually had to do anything at his job. "This young lady starts off wearing sweat pants and no makeup. Then, after she completes Step One, she is wearing a pretty dress, her hair is all done up, and her face is cleaned up. Then, as you can see, Barney is hitting on her in the next slide."

"Wait, that's supposed to be Barney? Dude, if he saw this he would kick your ass."

"_Anyway_, because of this quick, easy-to-do makeover, Barney becomes automatically interested you-"

"Whoa, that's supposed to be _me? _ No way. My hips are not that wide. And my hair is way longer than that. And-"

"For the love of God Robin, it's clip art! It's not supposed to be perfect. Honestly. Anyway, so with this Barney becomes attuned to you in the most primal level, so he'll start paying more attention to you."

"Oh, I get it. You want me to slut up." Robin smiled, finally understanding the plan, and able to get behind it.

"What? No, that's not what I said. At all."

"Yeah, wear a bunch of revealing clothes, maybe flash him a bit. Then he'll start thinking about me more in regards to sex."

"No! I mean, yes, but no, are you even looking at the diagram?" Marshall pleaded.

"Yup, I got it. Next step?" Marshall banged his head on the table a few times as Robin watched with interest. "You okay, buddy?"

"Never better."

"Okay then."

Finally Marshall lifted his head from the dirty table and rubbed his eyes. "Okay, whatever." He flipped the page in his packet and cleared his throat. "Step Two: Make yourself constantly accessible. Men in general will fall for people when they're convenient. If you're always there, he's always thinking about you. So, devote a large portion of time to him, as seen in these diagrams."

Robin again looked at the pictures, one of her and Barney playing Lazer Tag, another of them at the cigar club, and finally, "The Lusty Leopard? Really, that's going to help?"

"Yes. Guys like girls who share they're interests. And, weirdly, you actually do share most of his interests."

Robin bit her fingernail worriedly. "Look, Marshall, I appreciate how much effort you've put into this," she gestured at the weirdly lifelike (though proportionally inaccurate) illustrations, "but I really don't see how this is going to work."

Marshall looked up from his packet, surprised. "What? Why not?"

"Because, I don't know if you've noticed this, but we've been doing this stuff for four years. I mean, I look hot one night, I go broing out with him the next. And so far, he hasn't fallen in love with me, and I really don't think that's going to change now.

Marshall looked taken aback for a moment, then smiled genuinely at her for the first time that night. "That's because before you didn't have me helping you. This is just your side of the plan. I mean, I'm going to be working on the sidelines. Undercover work, you know?"

Robin smiled at his excitement. He really had thought this through.

"Plus, I'm not done. There's a Step Three where you-"

"Hey, sweetie, what are you guys up to?"

Marshall practically jumped out of his seat as Lily sidled up next to him. "Where you, uh, jump over the duck and kill the demon! Isn't that right, Robin?" He said frantically.

Robin gave him a look that hopefully conveyed that he was mentally incompetent and responded, "Yup. That's about right." She laughed awkwardly.

"So how'd the talk go last night?" Lily asked good-naturedly, but Robin's hackles raised.

"What talk? Us? We didn't talk!" She said quickly, throwing a glare in Marshall's direction. What had he told her?

"The job talk. You know, when you asked me about your resume?" Marshall said pointedly.

"Oh, right, that. It was, you know, good." This lying thing was way harder than Robin had expected. It was much easier to keep a secret when she was the only one who knew about it.

"Any prospects?" Lily inquired curiously.

"What? No."

"Job prospects, Robin," Marshall muttered.

"Oh, yeah. No. Maybe. I don't know." Well this was going really well. Was there any way to make this conversation more awkward?

"Barney! Hey!" Marshall exclaimed too loudly, causing Robin to nearly spill her glass of scotch on herself. Instinctively she ran a hand through her messy hair and tried to check her reflection in her cup before turning to look at him. Step one would have to wait.

"Hey," she said quietly, looking carefully in his direction, trying to gage his reaction. Barney, however, didn't seem at all inclined to look at her in the eyes, instead he pulled a chair over to the table. Robin looked sadly at the empty place in the booth next to her and decided that he was probably still mad at her. Great.

Ted showed up moments later, filling the spot next to her with a smile.

"What's up guys?" Without waiting for an answer, he continued enthusiastically, "Remember that girl I met on the subway? The one whose number I didn't get? Well you'll never guess what happened today…"

As Ted spoke Marshall kept looking at Robin and jerking his head towards Barney. He mouthed something to her, but she had no idea what he was trying to convey. Clearly their telepathic conversing could use some work.

"Excuse us, Ted," Marshall said, grabbing Robin by her shirt and pulling her towards the bar. As far as she could hear, Ted hadn't even paused in his recollection. She figured she'd probably hear the rest of the story later that night anyway.

"Um, did you need something?" she asked, rubbing her shoulder in the place he had grabbed her.

"What are you doing over there?" Marshall asked, frustrated.

"I was listening to Ted's story."

"Not that, with Barney. You barely greeted him. Don't you have something you wanted to say to him?"

Robin groaned in exasperation. "I told you, I'm not telling him I like him! God, Marshall, didn't we already cover this?"

"Not that. Aren't you going to apologize?"

Robin certainly wasn't expecting that. "What?"

"About the other day. When you yelled at him during lunch. Remember?"

"Well, yeah, but that wasn't a big deal."

"What are you talking about? You said you felt awful and that he looked really hurt. That sounds like a big deal to me."

"Yeah, but it'll all blow over. Really, Marshall you don't have to worry." Robin started walking back towards the table but Marshall grabbed her again by the arm and pulled her back harshly.

"Robin, he's not even talking to you. Don't you think maybe that's the time when you should say you're sorry?"

With a heavy sigh she glanced over to the booth. Ted had left to go talk to someone who she assumed was 'Subway Girl' and Lily and Barney were talking in hushed tones about something. God she wished she were a part of that conversation instead of this one. Eventually she replied, "Look, Barney and me? We don't do apologies. It's just not our thing."

Marshall looked about two seconds away from strangling her. "What do you mean, it's not your _thing?_ It's no one's _thing. _I have never in my life had someone come up to me and say 'Hi, I'm apology guy.' No one likes to apologize, but it's something everyone has to do."

"Yeah, well, not us. He knows I didn't mean it, and he'll get over it eventually."

"Honestly, Robin, I busted my ass all day working on this plan-"

"Machine."

"-Plan for you. And then you can't even go through the effort to say two words to the guy?"

"That's not fair. Technically, I'm following the machine. The first step was for me to slut up, not for me to apologize to him."

"Okay, first of all, that is _not_ the first step of the plan. I don't know how you got that, but the plan clearly states that the first step is attraction. And second of all, the plan can not start if Barney's not talking to you! So would you please, _please_ just say you're sorry?"

Marshall was quickly approaching hysterics and Robin was starting to wonder if staying up all night had negative repercussions on his mental stability. Robin spoke carefully so as not to set him off

"I get your point. But I'm just really not good at confrontation, okay?"

Marshall looked at her incredulously. "What are you talking about? You're great at confrontation. You had no problem calling me a pompous douche earlier."

"Yeah, but that's just friends joking around. I don't like to talk about, you know, feelings and stuff."

With a look of dawning comprehension, Marshall smiled. "Yeah, I've noticed. Look, Robin, I understand you don't like it, but at some point feelings are going to come up. Think of this as a test run for when my Master Matchmaking Machine works and you and Barney get together. You're going to need some idea of how to talk to each other."

Finally deciding that she was never going to win this argument and that Marshall did have her best interests at heart Robin asked resignedly, "So what do I say?"

Marshall grinned widely at having won. "Lawyered. All right, all you say is that you were having a bad day and that you took it out on him. You really didn't mean to hurt his feelings when you said what you did. And you're sorry."

Oh, goody. That sounded like fun.

"Here's your chance, he's coming over," Marshall exclaimed eagerly.

"Hey guys," Barney said as he arrived. He turned to Robin and asked, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Marshall giggled and walked back to the booth, keeping an eye on them as he went and sending a platter Wendy the Waitress was holding flying when he bumped into her. Lily was also watching Robin and Barney intently from the booth. Robin frowned awkwardly and turned her attention back towards Barney, who appeared to be steeling himself for something painful.

"Okay, so about the other day," he began heavily.

"Oh, I have to talk to you about that too," Robin interrupted.

"Can I go first?" he asked, surprisingly hesitant.

"Uh, sure, go ahead." Marshall hadn't said anything against that, had he?

"All right. So, look the other day I was really, um, rude." Robin raised her eyebrows in surprise. What was going on? Barney glanced back towards the booth momentarily then back at her. "Yeah, I was rude, and, crap there was something else…" he trailed off looking at the ground for a moment. "Insensitive! Yeah, that was it. I was rude and insensitive for saying those things."

He looked back up at her hopefully, and Robin felt like crying. Great, now he was apologizing for her when she was the bitch.

"No, Barney, it wasn't your fault. It was me, I was just jeal- I mean, I was, uh, having a bad day and I took it out on you." What was the other thing Marshall had said? She glanced over at him only to see that he and Lily had evidently switched booths to be closer to the conversation. She glared at him. No respect for privacy. "Yeah, and I didn't mean to hurt your, um, feelings."

Okay, she was pretty sure that was it. She looked over at Marshall for approval but he was mouthing something to her frantically. "Oh, hang on, there's more." she said to Barney.

'What?' she mouthed back. He repeated the same thing. She shrugged, unable to decipher it. They seriously needed to practice their telepathy. Marshall turned around and started scribbling something on a napkin. Robin glanced back at Barney who was waiting expectantly, and she flashed him an awkward smile. His eyebrows were raised in anticipation which caused his forehead to wrinkle in that adorable way, and did she just say adorable?

Snapping herself out of it she glanced back at Marshall who lifted up the napkin for her to read. "Oh! Right, and I'm sorry!"

Barney snapped his fingers and pointed at her with excitement. "Right, yeah, me too. I knew I forgot something."

She flashed a smile to Marshall who turned back towards Lily, now staring at him inquisitively.

Robin and Barney stood there awkwardly for a moment before Barney broke the silence.

"So, is this over?"

"Oh, God I hope so," Robin answered.

"Thank God. Can we, like, never do this again?"

"Totally. Next time, if I'm a bitch, I'll just say 'I was a bitch' and move on."

"Yeah, and I'll say 'I was a dick.' No questions asked."

"Exactly."

"Perfect."

They smiled at each other for a comfortable moment. Sometimes Robin thought that Marshall had a tendency to overcomplicate things.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Marshall strutted down the hallway Monday morning as a man with a purpose. He was well-rested from the weekend and had a plan firmly in place. Robin was preparing for her side, and he, well he had to talk to Barney.

"Hey dude, conference call?"

Barney looked up from his computer with a wide grin.

"You know it."

They made their way up to the roof in comfortable silence while Marshall contemplated what he planned to say. He had practiced it repeatedly in his head but he had been told that perhaps he wasn't the most talented of actors. Told by Robin, of course, who was extremely skeptical about this section of his plan.

As they burst out into the sunlight Marshall couldn't help but take in again the stark difference between the outside world and the strict, confining walls of Goliath National Bank.

Barney took a deep breath of fresh air and scanned the air for any unsuspecting pigeons. Marshall rolled his eyes and grabbed a couple beers from the cooler, passing one to his friend.

"Bored of work already, huh? Seriously, it's like ten o'clock on a Monday morning. I usually can stick it out until at least one."

Marshall laughed. "Yeah, well, there's nothing to do. My boss has been out sick for like, two weeks now. You know anything about that?"

"Heh. Please." Barney waved him off and took another sip of beer. Marshall pondered if Barney and Robin ever did get together if she'd find out what the hell he did for a living. Probably not.

Taking another long swig of beer Marshall steeled himself for putting his plot into action. Just be cool, Erikson, be cool.

"So what's been up with you and Robin lately?"

Barney's head turned around so fast Marshall was sure he'd given himself whiplash. "What? What do you mean?"

"Nothing. Just, you guys were fighting or something before, so I was just curious," Marshall backtracked quickly, wondering how he managed to go wrong so fast.

Barney breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, that. That was nothing really. Just a dumb fight."

"So you're cool now?"

"Totally. Bros again." Barney's smile looked slightly pained but Marshall overlooked it.

"You guys have been spending a lot of time together recently," he said carefully, hoping not to trigger anything again.

"Uh, have we? I don't really notice. So I banged this totally hot redhead last night, told her, get this, I was Paul McCartney. Hell, she was so drunk I probably could have told her I was Ringo Starr and still gotten laid. Whaddup!"

Marshall bumped fists out of obligation and rolled his eyes. This was going to be much harder than he thought. He wondered if Robin knew that the guy she wanted to get involved with had the attention span of a brain damaged rodent.

"Nice. So you think you'll see her again?"

Barney stared at him incredulously. "No…why in the hell would I ever do that?"

"I don't know. It just seems like it might get lonely every once in a while. Sleeping with a different girl every night, never having anything constant."

"No, that's just awesome." Barney grinned so enthusiastically that Marshall had to smile back before returning to the topic.

"So you've never once thought about being in a relationship?"

"I'm sorry; did I accidentally submerge my head in hair gel this morning? Do I look like Ted? Relationships are for people who can't get new people to sleep to them so they just go back to the same old washed up person. No offense dude."

"None taken. Still, not all relationships have to be bad. Not if you're compatible. You could just do the stuff you do now: play Lazer Tag, go to strip bars, smoke cigars, make crude jokes. You'd just have to find someone who enjoys that stuff too."

Marshall waited expectantly as Barney stared out at the horizon. He was quite proud of himself. He had made his point, and he was pretty sure Barney had gotten it. Now he just had to wait until-

"Twenty bucks says I can hit that pigeon from here."

xxxXXXxxx

"How'd it go?" Robin sounded out of breath as she picked up the phone but eager for a status update. Marshall gulped.

"Pretty good," Marshall lied. He had put off this conversation as long as possible, but it was inevitable. Time to find out how good of an actor he really was. "I mean, not awful. Good. Awesome, one might say. Really, I was amazed-"

"Horrible, then."

Marshall gave up the game and nodded before realizing that Robin couldn't actually see him over the phone.

"Well, he didn't seem to really get it. But don't worry, after tonight I'm sure he'll get the idea. You getting ready?"

"Yeah. I'm going to look hot. Regardless of whether Barney notices, I'm getting laid tonight."

"Ew. Ew. Ew. I'm hanging up now."

"Bye."

Robin laughed as Marshall hung up the phone. For a thirty year old man sometimes he was such a girl. With a quick glance at the clock she figured she had a good hour before she had to be down at the bar for Step One to go into action.

However, it couldn't hurt to be prepared. Already nearly finished with her makeup, she headed over to her bedroom to choose an outfit.

Twenty minutes later she heard the door open and decided to go out for a test run.

"Hey Robin, you here? I'm just stopping in—yowza!" Ted's mouth dropped when he saw her and stared unabashedly at her breasts.

"Thank you. You like then?" She did a quick twirl to show off the tight fitting black dress.

"Uh, yeah. Yes. Very much."

"Good. That's what I was going for." Robin smiled to herself. Even if Marshall couldn't handle his job she was going to hold up her end of the bargain.

Finally managing to pick his jaw up from the floor Ted dropped his bag on the floor and plopped down on the couch.

"So who are you dressing up for?"

"Huh? Oh, no one. Just, you know, for me."

Ted turned to face her with a kind smile. "You don't have to hide it. We've both moved on. I think it's nice we can be open about our relationships.

Robin moved to sit down next to him. "So things are going well with you and, uh, the subway girl?"

"Her name is Katie. And yup, really well. She's sweet, smart, and likes dogs. I think she might-"

"Be the one?"

Ted laughed and nodded. "Yeah, pretty much. Sorry, didn't mean to bore you with my love life."  
"No, not at all. It's nice that you keep trying to find her. And I hope you have." Robin flashed him a small, sad smile that Ted picked up on immediately.

"Don't worry Robin, you're going to find someone. If that's what you want you're going to get it. You always do."

Robin laughed and Ted wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

xxxXXXxxx

Robin stood outside the bar staring intently at the door as people went in and out, mentally preparing herself for the night.

She knew she shouldn't be nervous, that nothing was going to be different, that it was just another day of hanging out with her friends. And yet…

It was impossible for her to shake the fear that if Barney didn't take notice of her tonight he really didn't have any interest in her whatsoever. Which was completely insane since everyone in that bar was going to take notice of her; she was looking completely hot.

This feeling of insecurity was starting to wear on her, and she really had no patience for feelings anyway, so she put her game face on and pulled the door open.

"Hey guys," she said, sliding into the booth next to Barney.

"Whoa, looking good!" Lily exclaimed from the other side of the table. Robin attempted a surreptitious glance in Barney's direction, and took pleasure in the fact that he was none to subtly staring at her breasts.

Take that, dumb feelings.

"Thanks, Lil. I just thought I'd dress up a bit for my friends." She winked cheerily at Barney whose mouth was slightly agape.

Marshall smiled at her from behind his beer glass.

"So where's Ted?" Lily asked.

"He had a date with Katie. Again."

"Wow, that's the third one in five days. Seems like it's getting serious."

"Heh, third date. You know what that means," Robin turned to Barney with a playful smirk.

Without taking his gaze away from her breasts, he responded in a slightly strangled voice, "Sex?"

A loud clunk came from under the table and Barney hissed in pain. "Lily! That hurt."

"Sorry, my foot slipped," she said innocently.

Robin had to hand it to Marshall, this plan was working out pretty well so far. She turned to the rest of the table. "So who wants another round?"

"Actually, we were just going," Marshall said, grabbing his wife by the arm.

"We were? But, I really think we should stay and, oh all right." Lily allowed herself to be dragged out of the bar, but not before miming slitting her throat in Barney's direction.

At the now empty booth Robin turned to face Barney, who had finally tore his eyes away from her and was currently staring at the table.

"Wow, they cleared out fast."

"Yeah, well, you know them, probably off to have boring married sex."

"Totally."

For the first time that night Barney actually looked her in the eye, and Robin couldn't help but notice her heart skip a beat. He had really blue eyes.

"So, hot date tonight Sherbatsky?"

"Nope. I just felt like getting all dressed up."

"Oh, well, you look, uh, nice." Clearly uncomfortable, Barney shifted in his seat as he spoke.

"Thanks."

"I can't believe Ted is trying to find the one _again._"

Robin laughed, relieved to have something safe to talk about again. "I know! It's like, if he goes on one date with a girl he's already planning what to name his grandchildren."

"Seriously. I mean no matter how many times the God of Awesome tries to show him the way, he falls into the same trap of commitment every time. It's disappointing, really. I've wasted so much time and energy on a lost cause."

"God of Awesome? Really?"

"What, you don't agree?" he prodded playfully.

"Oh, no I do."

"Well, duh."

Robin took this opportunity to slide a little closer to him in the booth, her thigh rubbing up against his, her hand gently running up his leg approaching-

Before she could get any further Barney burst out of the booth and jumped about a foot backwards.

"Bet I can get that brunettes number in less than three minutes," he said, his voice several octaves higher than usual and backing quickly towards the bar.

Well, that went well. Robin was starting to doubt her feminine charms, which was insane because at last count seven guys in this bar alone were checking her out. So why the hell wasn't Barney?

Because, she noted, Barney was currently chatting up a trashy looking girl, undoubtedly telling her about some miraculous stunt he pulled off. Dumb chick. Falling for him. She should know better. Who can't see through his act anyway?

At that moment Barney reached into his pocket and answered his cell, asking the girl to wait a moment. Robin watched as he backed up and muttered into the phone.

"Don't worry about it Lily, it's fine," she heard him say. Well this was her only chance.

Robin got up, her brain begging her to back off but her legs taking her forward anyway and approached the girl waiting at the bar.

"Hey," she greeted nicely.

"Oh, hi," came the wary reply.

"Slow night today, isn't it?"

"Uh-huh, I guess," she answered dismissively, looking behind Robin at where Barney was still talking to Lily.

Robin followed her gaze and smirked slightly. "Oh, you after him? He's cute, but I wouldn't fall for his shit."

"Please, you're just jealous because you can't get him." Wow. Feisty little bitch. And to think Robin had planned on playing this one nicely.

"You think I can't get Blondie over there? Please, hunted, caught, and released. But sure, be my guest, as long as you don't mind the third testicle."

"Hey, ladies, what are you talking about?" Barney returned with a suspicious look on his face, but his charming smile firmly in place.

"Nothing, nothing at all," Robin said with a sweet smile and walked away. She was so going to hell for this.

She quickly weaved her way through the crowd to one of the guys who had been checking her out all night, desperate to be as far away from Barney as possible when the other shoe dropped.

"Hey," she said huskily, taking the seat next to a good-looking brunette in a polo shirt and jeans. The anti-Barney. The guy looked like he could hardly believe his luck.  
"Hey. Can I buy you a drink?"

"You better." He laughed excitedly and signaled Carl the bartender.

"I'm James."

"Robin." She glanced behind her nervously, but couldn't see Barney anywhere. Maybe his girl hadn't believed her. Crap, then he was definitely going home with her.

"So what do you do Robin?"

"Huh? Oh, I'm unemployed. And you?"

"I'm Vice-President at an insurance company…" Oh shit. Of all the guys in the bar she had to choose the most dull one to hide with. It was going to be a long night. "Can I help you pal?"

Robin whipped around to where James was staring defensively and found Barney examining her oddly.

He leaned in to her face so that their noses were almost touching and exclaimed, "Oh my God, Roger it _is_ you!"

Huh?

"Roger?" James said, confused.

"Roger?" Robin repeated, but Barney practically leaped on her with joy. What the hell?

"My long lost brother! I'm so glad I've finally found you!"

"Brother?" James was getting out of his seat and backing away carefully.

"I've looked everywhere. I just wanted you to know that I don't care what Dad said, if you needed to get a sex change to feel good about yourself, that's okay with me. Is this your new boyfriend?"

Barney turned towards James with a wide smile, only to find James practically leaping over a table to escape, cursing as he went.

"Wait, James, it's not, oh fuck it."

Barney was giggling so hard he was starting to turn red and to her disappointment failed to wither under Robin's fierce glare.

"What the hell was that for?" she demanded.

"Third testicle, Sherbatsky? Really? At least my story had creativity."

"What? First of all, it did not, it was totally lame, and second of all I did no such thing." She turned up her head indignantly, but Barney just rolled his eyes.

"It's cool. That's 0-0 as I count it."

Abandoning her mock-anger, Robin turned to face him curiously. "What's 0-0? What are we doing?"

"I thought it was obvious. A competition to see who can get more numbers tonight."

Oh. See now why couldn't she think of something like that to cover her tracks? Damn.

"I am not going to play you to see who can get more numbers, Barney."

"Why not? Afraid you'll lose? Obviously you were, or you wouldn't have had to sabotage me so early in the game."

"Excuse me? I never lose. What're the rules?"

Carl came by and placed a scotch in front of her which she managed to take a long sip of before Barney snatched it away and finished it off.

"No rules. Everything's fair. The person with the most numbers at the end of the night wins. Got it?"

"What are we betting?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

"No."

"Fine. If I win you have to play Lazer Tag with me for a day without complaining. And if you win, which you won't, I'll do whatever you want to do for a day."

Jesus. Talk about a win-win.

"Deal."

"Deal."

As Barney sprang out of the chair to find his first prey, Robin couldn't help but imagine Marshall's fury over this bet. Come to think of it, she didn't really know why she just bet Barney to see how many chicks numbers he could get when she didn't want him to get any. Wow, that was dumb.

Damn her pride. She should really just call the whole thing off and go home and relax and follow Marshall's plan.

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"

Then again, when had she ever done what she was supposed to do?


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

The last bar patrons filed out the door at half past three and Robin waved goodbye to her final conquest before the night had officially ended. As soon as he turned and left Robin rolled her eyes in disgust and scanned the room to find Barney, sitting smugly in their booth, legs propped up on the table.

"Better start practicing your aim, Robin, I see some serious Lazer Tag exploits in your future," he called, fingering a few torn pieces of paper between his long, slender fingers with a playful smirk dancing on his lips.

"Please, man. I could hit a target fifty feet away with my eyes closed and one hand behind my back. And not with a Lazer gun, either."

"Oh, trash talk. Bad trash talk. We're going to need to work on that a bit."

"Whatever. I let the numbers do my talking." With a slight skip in her step Robin approached the booth.

Carl rolled his eyes as he walked around her; he had long since given up trying to get their group to leave the bar when it closed and instead enjoyed eavesdropping on the increasingly more entertaining conversations between his most loyal customers.

Robin slid into the booth across from her friend and began pulling out numbers scribbled down on scraps of paper from her bra, smiling when she noticed Barney watching the process carefully.

"All right, what's your final count Stinson?"

"Not so fast. It's officially the end of the night, right? You can't add more numbers past this point?"

"Please, like I need more. I, unlike you, don't resort to cheating to win a stupid bet," Robin said loftily, with a mock air of superiority that Barney rewarded with a laugh.

"Deal?"

"Yeah, yeah. Deal."

"All right. Prepare to be wowed. I have really outdone myself this time. I mean, I always say that, but it just seems like I keep on finding new and more impressive ways to be completely awesome."

"Okay, skip the prologue. Number, please?"

"Hey! This stuff is golden. Now where was I?" Robin rolled her eyes, but had to hide a smile with her hand as he continued. "Oh yeah. So this truly was a work of genius tonight. Because not only have I broken my own personal record, but I'm pretty sure I've shattered records worldwide. Seriously, someone should call Guiness, because I am on fire. Yes, I, Barnacle Stinson, have, in less than four hours, gotten 47 numbers."

He leaned back into the booth with a self-satisfied smirk, awaiting her shocked response.

"Really? That's quite impressive."

"Don't I know it?"

"Or, you know, it would be if I hadn't gotten 52."

"What?! No way! That's impossible! Let me see those." Barney practically hurled himself across the table and began digging through the pile of phone numbers immediately while Robin laughed at his despair.

"You really never win a bet, do you?"

"Shut up! I have not lost! I demand a recount."

Robin stifled another giggle as he frantically threw the papers on the floor.

"So, this means I get to choose what I want to make you do for an entire day, right?"

Since Barney made no attempt to answer Robin began brainstorming. Well, there was the obvious, but she couldn't imagine Marshall would be too pleased with that. Not that it really mattered, she was a grown woman and if she wanted sex than she can have it.

And Barney was looking especially sexy with his tie untied and loosely hung around his neck and the top few buttons on his dark shirt undone, revealing his toned body underneath and just a peak of blonde hair.

An entire day of that body? Yeah, she was pretty sure she could find someway to keep herself busy.

"Aha! What the hell is this? 555-555-5555? That's a real number? This doesn't count at all. How many fakes do you have in here?" Barney shoved the offending scrap in her face aggressively with a triumphant expression.

"About twenty three. I ran out of guys an hour ago."

Scandalized, Barney drew an exaggerated gasp. "How dare you madam? Disgracing this noble sport with your treachery?"

"Excuse me, sir?" she replied, playing along. "I think you forgot an important part of the rules: there are no rules. You never said we couldn't make up numbers." She took a long sip of his beer as his smile faded and his right eye began to twitch.

"What? I-I mean-it was-no-cheating-not fair-I-ugh!" He slammed his fists on the table, looking every bit the petulant child throwing a temper tantrum when he didn't get his way.

"Sorry Barney. Next time you should really pay more attentions to the loopholes in your own games."

Finally recovered from the shock of his loss, Barney squinted angrily at her for a moment before slamming his drink on the table and springing up from the booth with renewed energy.

"Excuse me, but I do not drink with pathetic cheaters who…cheat. Yeah. So good day to you." With a final pseudo-indignant look he turned on his heel and stomped towards the exit.

"Yeah, see you tomorrow Barney. I'll be plotting how to best use my winnings!" she called after his retreating form. Heh, yeah she would.

She began gathering up the discarded scraps of paper to toss on her way out and couldn't help but giggle a little. Marshall's plan was working far better than she had anticipated. Plus, it was fun. She waved good night to Carl as she tossed the paper and pushed the door open.

_"Robin and Barney_

_Sitting in a tree_

_K-I-S-S-I"_

"What was that?" Robin whipped around to see a startled Carl staring innocently in her direction.

"Huh? I didn't say anything."

"Oh. Sorry." Shaking her head confusedly, Robin left the bar too fast to hear Carl utter a sigh of relief.

xxxXXXxxx

Marshall was sitting at his desk, focused on his computer screen when a knock came from the door.

"Come in," he called, not looking away from his computer.

"Hey, what's up?" Robin walked in and locked the door behind her, flashing Marshall a quick smile.

"Oh thank God. I've been bored out of my skull. What's going on?"

"You sure you're not busy? You looked pretty deep in thought there for a second."

"Yeah, I was playing the Sims. Just got it. Awesome game."

"Seriously? I thought the new one didn't come out until next June," Robin inquired curiously.

"Yeah it doesn't. The company has been giving them out though. Something about wanting us to understand the feeling of having complete power over others…"

"Oh. Yeah, that makes sense."

While Marshall was lost in thought, once again wondering about the motives of the company he worked for, Robin took the opportunity to get comfortable and propped her feet up on his desk.

"So, aren't you going to ask?"

"Huh? Oh, right. How'd the 'date' go?"

"It was not a date. We were just hanging out. And it went awesome."

Marshall grinned eagerly and sat forward in his chair. "Yeah? What happened?"

"Okay, so it started off a little awkwardly when he left to pick up some girl-"

"Aw, Robin, that sucks."

"Hey, not done here! But then when Lily called-"

"Lily called you? Why?"

"Would you quit interrupting? I'm telling a story here." Marshall leaned back, and looked suitably chastised so Robin continued. "Anyway, Lily called Barney, which gave me the opportunity to sabotage his chance with the girl by making up some lie. Then he did the same to me with this guy and we got into this bet over who could get the most numbers."

Robin smiled and waited for Marshall's reaction.

"You, um, you bet him to see how many girls' numbers he could get?

"How many numbers _we_ could get. Whoever got more won."

"Right. So, you like this guy, and the first chance you have time alone with him you decide the best idea is to throw a bunch of drunk bimbos in his face?"

Marshall's face was a mask of poorly concealed anger.

"Huh. I actually thought you might react like this. But really it's no big deal. It's not like he actually went home with any of them," Robin said smugly.

"No, Robin, he didn't go home with any of them," Marshall responded condescendingly, as though he was speaking to a third grader. "But he did go home with, presumably, about thirty of these girls' numbers."

"Forty seven, actually."

"Fine, forty seven. Wait, forty seven? Wow. That's impressive. But not the point. The point is, he now has these girls numbers and can call them whenever he pleases. In the course of one night you just got him laid for the next month and a half!"

Robin stared blankly at him for a moment.

"Holy crap, you're right. I really did not think that through…"

"Thank you! No you didn't. Crap, this is going to need some serious damage control. This might set my master plan back a couple of months."

"Whoa, months? Just how long is this stupid plan going to take? I mean, you only told me about two steps."

"First off? The plan is not stupid." Robin rolled her eyes. "And did I really not tell you the rest of the plan?"

Robin shook her head and Marshall's eyes lit up in excitement. He leaned back in his chair and began searching for his diagrams. "Hang on, let me just find the visual aid…"

"Actually, we can skip that part."

"What? Really? I mean, the pictures are really good…" Marshall said hopefully, big puppy dog eyes boring into Robin.

"I- oh never mind. Visual aid is good." She attempted a half-hearted smile and then wondered if she had gotten soft due to these stupid feelings. Could feelings for one person affect someone's whole life? Geez, there's a scary thought.

"Oh, here we go! Okay, as you'll recall, Step Two is when you begin infiltrating his daily life, making yourself available constantly and doing all the things he loves the most. This step will clearly be set back as he will be busy sleeping through half of New York City's female population for a while thanks to you."

"Yeah, I get it Marshall. I'm a bad student. I should pay more attention to your plan. Could we get on with it?"

"Anyway, then moving on to Step Three: Bitch."

"Step three is a bitch?"

"No, it's called Bitch. After you've reeled him in and got him used to seeing you all the time, you're going to pull back. Start flaunting dates with other guys around him, ignore him completely. Make him jealous. If that works, then he'll get so upset with you spending time with other guys that he'll be forced to realize that he likes you, and then he'll, like you want, make the first move."

"You really think that will work?" Robin asked, slightly skeptical. "I mean, you think once he sees me with someone else he's going to come running and confess his undying love for me?"

"Totally. Jealousy is man's most primal instinct. It's a proven fact. See, in diagram three, how Barney has turned green? That's the color of envy."

"Oh. I just thought Wendy had finally succeeded in poisoning him in diagram two. And don't you think Barney would just get upset and hide his feelings more if he thought I didn't care about him?"

"Huh?" Marshall was busy examining diagram two to see if Wendy actually appeared to be poisoning Barney. "No way, he's a guy. All guys act the same. Don't you watch romantic comedies? You always have to make a man jealous."

"I thought you just had to act like a ditz around guys and they'd fawn all over you."

"Well yeah, that works too. Unfortunately, if you actually want a relationship with Barney I don't think that would work. And remember Ted? Every time you would go on a date with someone else he would get insanely jealous and confess his love for you again."

"Yeah, and remember how well that worked out?"

Marshall waved his hand dismissively. "Yeah, but this time you feel the same way. It'll be good, don't worry."

Robin couldn't quite shake the feeling that this plan had some huge holes in it. _Heh, huge hole. Whaddup_?

"Anyway, the rest of the plan will be explained later. So, what'd Barney win?"

"Huh?" Robin jerked herself out of her dirty inner monologue to find she had no clue what Marshall was talking about.

"The bet? On how many numbers he could score? What'd he win?"

"Please. Barney didn't win."

"I thought you said he got forty seven numbers?"  
"I know. I got fifty two."

"Jesus, Robin, that incredible!"

"Yeah, I know," she said, exceptionally pleased with herself.

"How'd you do that? I don't think I've ever seen fifty two guys come into that bar in one night."

"Oh, you know, some creativity was involved," Robin giggled out of reflex from her white lie.

"So what did you win?"

"I get to make him do whatever I want him to for an entire day."

Marshall practically fell out of his chair with excitement. Regaining his balance, he gasped, "What? Why didn't you mention this earlier? This is awesome! What are you going to make him do?"

"Oh, I have an idea," she replied cryptically.

"Come on, Robin, you've got to tell me! The suspense will kill me!" Marshall whined pitifully, but Robin just smiled mysteriously and said nothing.

"Oh, fine. Don't tell me. But make sure it involves a lot of time spent together. And no funny stuff! You can't have sex with him."

"What? You can't tell me not to do that," Robin retorted angrily.

"Yes I can. Until you and he actually talk about your relationship, you can not have sex with him. Otherwise it'll just get more complicated. You already agreed to this."

"Yeah, but that was then. Now it's a real possibility."

Marshall clenched his fists in frustration. "Robin! I'm not going to help you if you can't stick to the agreement. Talk first, then sex."

Robin rolled her eyes but eventually nodded her head in agreement. "Fine. But for the record? You suck."

"I'm okay with that."

Marshall looked away from her and back to his computer game. After a moment of sulking, Robin got up from her chair quietly and snuck up behind Marshall.

"Is that supposed to be me?" she asked, pointing at the computer screen.

"What?" Marshall asked, startled. "Um, no, self-absorbed much?" He laughed awkwardly. "Clearly, that is supposed to be, um, Lily. You know, you both have dark hair."

"Oh my God, is that Barney?"

"Uh, no. Why on earth would I have my wife doing that with Barney?" Marshall asked, trying to push Robin away from behind his desk.

"Oh, gross Marshall! Why would you have us doing that? That's just disgusting."

"No it's not, it's romantic," Marshall defended.

"It is not! It's gross."

"What are you talking about? You guys are just talking."

"Yeah, _just talking._ Look at us! We're sitting in a booth having a 'meaningful conversation.' Oh God, are we cuddling? Give me that!"

Robin dove for the mouse, pushing Marshall's rolling chair away.

"Hey! Give me that back!" he exclaimed, but Robin was already hard at work changing the actions of her virtual counterpart.

"Oh yeah, that's better."

"What?" Marshall leaned over her shoulder to inspect what she had done with is perfectly wholesome game. "Oh my God, Robin! You can do that there? Ew, that's like, in public and everything. Oh, gross, the waiter is watching!" Marshall moaned, covering his eyes to protect them from the sight occurring on his computer.

"Heh, yeah he is. And check it out! Both our aspiration levels just went through the roof. Oops, and so did my skirt. Well, that's a glitch in the game."

xxxXXXxxx

Robin had been waiting at the bar for ten minutes, examining her straw with bored fascination. Barney was supposed to arrive any minute to hear his sentencing. She smiled when she recalled how resigned he had sounded over the phone, clearly steeling himself up for something horrible.

Well, he'd certainly be surprised.

She had considered practically every option over the past twelve hours; from chilling out and watching a movie to hurling him under a bus and hoping her feelings died along with him, and had finally come to a conclusion. She couldn't tell Marshall. Hell, she couldn't tell anyone. This had to be private, a secret. Barney would understand that. Of course he would.

Breathing deeply, Robin signaled Carl for another beer. Her heart was pounding in her ears and she couldn't help but be nervous. After all, it had been quite a long time for her.

"All right, cruel judge, I surrender myself before you, a victim of an unjust trial, for you to bestow upon me my fate," Barney said, plopping pathetically in the booth across from her.

Robin smiled at his melodrama, but said nothing, still preparing herself.

"Well? What will it be? Antique shopping?"

"Barney?" she said hesitantly.

"A chick flick? Oh God, something starring Hugh Grant?"

"Barney?" she repeatedly, more forcefully.

"Oh, God, you're not going to take me to Canada, are you?"

"Barney!" she shouted, finally getting his attention and slight fear. "Thank you. And no, though that is a great idea, I'll have to remember that."

Barney shook his head, but managed to hold in any potential Canadian jokes. "Well then? What is it?"

Robin took a deep breath and looked him straight in the eye. "Barney Stinson," she began slowly, every bit as melodramatic as he had been just minutes earlier. "I want you to, drumroll please…"

Obligingly, Barney began banging on the table in rhythm, grinning with anticipation.

"To go to the mall with me."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Barney stared at Robin, his mouth slightly agape.

"You want me to go to the _mall_ with you? You want me to go to the mall with _you?_ You want _me _to go the mall with you?"

Robin rolled her eyes and responded, "Yes, Barney. That's what I said."

"I-but-why?" he sputtered desperately. "How the hell is this a punishment?"

"It's not. I just think it's time that I get over my fear. And I figured that I should do it with someone who won't make fun of me, or start humming Let's Go to the Mall every couple seconds, or try to make me buy the only remaining bedazzled jean jacket left in existence."

"But, Robin, I'm going to do _all those things!"_ Barney exclaimed loudly. "And more! Oh, so, so, so much more! Hell, as we speak I'm already planning how to get the Prime Minister of Canada and a robot there to start performing in the food court, dancing on the tables!"

Robin laughed, but Barney continued to stare at her, scandalized. He seemed torn between worried about her mental stability and annoyed that she didn't believe he would mock her mercilessly.

"I know. But when you do that stuff it's funny. When Ted does it it's just annoying."

She could have sworn she detected a slight red blush rising in his cheeks, but she brushed it off. He was probably imagining her dancing with the robot anyway.

"So what do you say? Not like you really have a choice, I get to force you to do it anyway."

"Um, let me think about this. A chance to spend the entire days with Robin Sparkles? In her homeland? When are we doing this?"

He was grinning so enthusiastically now that Robin couldn't help but forget her previous hesitation about the entire idea and smile back.

"For the record, the mall is not my homeland. Canada is." Barney waved her off with a flick of his wrist and an exasperated eye roll. "Are you free tomorrow?"

"Schedule cleared."

"You sure? You don't have to work or something?" Robin asked.

"Please. It's not like they can fire me after the week I've had. I don't like to brag, but I'm at least partially responsible for saving Sweden."

Robin weighed her options and prayed she would not regret asking, "From what?"

"Heh. Please."

xxxXXXxxx

Marshall exited the shower the next morning to the smell of fresh bacon. He grinned manically in delight and quickly dressed and ran out to the kitchen to peck his wife on the cheek.

"You are the best wife ever," he said in greeting, already wolfing down his bacon.

"Aw, thanks sweetie. So what are you up to at work today?"

"Eh, the usual. A couple meetings. I'll probably get bored and go on a conference call with Barney."

"Barney?" Lily said worriedly. "Oh, I don't think he's going to be in today."

"Huh? Why? Barney never misses work."

"I think he and Robin are doing something," Lily muttered evasively, not meeting Marshall's eyes.

"Already? That was fast."

"What does that mean?"

Marshall winced uncomfortably and immediately wished he could backtrack. "Oh, uh, nothing," he covered badly.

His wife was still watching him suspiciously, so he tried to switch the subject. "How do you know what Barney's doing today anyway?"

"Oh, um, he called me this morning. Just to talk." She busied herself by cleaning up the kitchen absent-mindedly.

Marshall, however, was starting to get confused. "Since when does Barney call you at seven in the morning?" he asked curiously, wondering when he got so paranoid and deciding it was directly linked to spending more time with Robin.

"He was just, um, stressed."

Marshall cocked his eyebrow in his best Barney/Robin imitation. "Stressed? About spending the day with Robin?"

Lily sighed and laid the dishrag down on the table, turning to face her husband. Her eyes were wide with worry and conflicting emotions.

"Okay, but if I tell you this, you have to promise me that you won't tell anyone. Got it? No one. Not even Ted. Or Barney. Or Robin. Especially not Robin."

Marshall practically fell backwards out of his chair. "No. No, no, no, no. No more secrets. Please, I can't take anymore.

Lily furrowed her brow in confusion. "What are you talking about? What other secrets do we have right now?"

"What? None. See? I'm going crazy. Clearly I'm to be trusted with anything right now."

"But, Marshmallow," she said, reaching forward to stroke his arm gently.

"Nope. Sorry, I can't do anymore. It's not life-threatening is it?"

"Well, no, but that's not the point."

"All right, then I'm really sorry Lilypad, but I don't want to know. You know I'm no good at keeping secrets."

Marshall attempted a half-hearted smile and backed away from his worried and visibly upset wife. He hated when she was upset. But he really couldn't take any more secrets or he was afraid he would implode. And that would be really gross.

"I've gotta go to work. Thanks for breakfast, bye!" He backed out of the door and slammed it behind him, letting out a huge sigh as he did. This lying and sneaking around thing was getting harder by the second.

xxxXXXxxx

Marshall burst through Ted's door about twenty minutes later (Ted had taken his key away three times and still hadn't realized that Marshall knew where he hid them).

"Ted?" he called, scoping the apartment for his best friend.

"He's already at work," answered a sleepy Robin from her bedroom.

"Good. I have to talk to you."

"Ugh, not now Marshall. I'm busy."

Marshall ignored her pleas. "Busy getting ready for your date with Barney?"

"What?" Robin screeched. Marshall could practically hear her brain snapping to attention. Seconds later she ran out of her bedroom in an oversized t-shirt, harassed.

"What are you talking about? What did he tell you? Oh my God, I'm going to kill him."

"Whoa, relax. Barney didn't tell me, Lily did."

"Oh," Robin visibly relaxed at this news for a moment before perking back up. "Wait, _Lily?_ He told Lily? Damnit, this was supposed to be a secret."

"I'm really starting to hate that stupid word," Marshall murmured sadly.

Robin, hackles already raised, turned her attentions to the closest victim. "What word? Secret? Are you backing out on this? Because you promised you wouldn't tell anyone Marshall, you can't just take it back now! I told you this in confidence!" Her voice raised a couple of octaves with each unfounded accusation.

"Hey. That's not what I meant. Would you please just calm down?"

With that quiet reprimand Robin did seem to back off a little and sat down on the couch. "Sorry," she muttered.

Marshall sat down amicably next to her, his legs stretched out on the coffee table.

"Did you hear that? I said I was sorry."

"Yes, Robin," he said tiredly. "Very good."

Robin nodded in appreciation.

"So what are you guys doing today anyway?" he asked.

"Um, nothing. Just, you know, hanging out." Robin sat up straight and busied herself fixing the magazines on the table in front of her.

"That's it? Just hanging out?" Marshall questioned.

"Yup. That's it."

Marshall sighed yet again. Apparently everyone had secrets this morning.

xxxXXXxxx

Marshall went to work shortly thereafter, leaving Robin in the unenviable position of choosing an outfit that was both sexy and mall-appropriate. Of course, how was she supposed to know what was mall-appropriate? She hadn't been in one in over ten years.

Finally she decided to humor Barney and dug through her closet to find the outfit she knew would guarantee to make him smile.

Just as she was finishing applying her last dabs of makeup she heard the door open and Barney sauntered in.

"Officer Barney Stinson, reporting for duty," he proclaimed as he entered.

Robin bit back a smile and ran a hand through her hair before coming out.

"This is going to be absolutely awesome, I-" he stopped short when he caught sight of her. An impressed whistle escaped his lips. "My God, Sherbatsky, you've suited up! Again! As if I didn't already know this day was going to be-"

"Yeah, yeah, legendary. Come on, 'officer' let's just get this over with."

"Heh, yeah you did," he said, raising his fist.

"Had to," she said, bumping it, her hand tingling slightly where their knuckles touched.

Barney jumped in front of her and opened the door, waving her to go ahead of him. Robin laughed at his form of chivalry, knowing he was just checking out her ass.

Knowing and being very pleased.

xxxXXXxxx


	10. Chapter 10

Robin stared in awe at the intimidating white building standing in front of her.

"You know what? I changed my mind. Let's go play LazerTag." Robin turned on her heel and tried to escape, but Barney snatched her sleeve and tugged her back.

"No way. You can't just build this up and run away. Come on, Sherbatsky, be brave. I'll be there the whole time; I won't let the scary samples people get you." He smiled reassuringly and dragged her towards the door cheerily. "Operation 'Let's Go to the Mall' is officially in business."

Robin rolled her eyes, but her mind was wondering what sample people could do.

"Ladies first," Barney said, holding the heavy, transparent door open for her and watching her expectantly. She took a deep, bracing breath and stepped into the mall.

A blast of cold air hit her; she had forgotten how heavily air-conditioned these places were. A baby was crying in the distance and she could already smell the Wetzel's Pretzels.

"See? That wasn't so bad," Barney said happily. "We're in."

"Good. Okay, we can go now. I think the Lusty Leopard is having twins day today!" Robin grabbed him by his tie and attempted to yank him back towards the exit.

"Whoa, not so fast. We haven't even done anything yet! To conquer your fear you're going to have to expose yourself to the entire mall, including the seedy underbelly."

Robin groaned. Perhaps this hadn't been such a great idea.

"But, uh, Lusty Leopard later?" Robin laughed and slapped Barney playfully on the arm as he looked at her hopefully.

"Why not? I'm going to need to relax after this."

"Relax! That's perfect! Come on!"

Barney dashed off leaving a confused Robin to chase after him.

"Wait! What are you doing?"

Barney turned back and grabbed her hand to pull her along with him. They must look like idiots, sprinting through the mall, him dragging her, but she didn't really care because he had really large, cool hands.

They reached the escalator and Robin froze, nearly causing Barney to topple over from momentum.

"Uh, what?" he asked once he regained his balance.

"I don't do escalators," she said, refusing to look at it.

"Well, I don't think anyone _does_ escalators. I've done it _on _an escalator once, but the logistics of actually-"

Robin giggled, but still wouldn't move. "No, I'm serious."

"Why? They're just stairs that move."

"Yeah, stairs that move and can suck you into their evil grasp and you'll have to get your foot cut off or something and then you can never ever walk again."

Barney tried to suppress a laugh and looked at her quizzically.

"I, uh, saw someone get stuck in an escalator once. It was right in the middle of a show, and I was singing the chorus and this girl started screaming and they had to call 911 and get paramedics and it was really gross."

"You guys have 911 in that godforsaken place?"

She punched him in the shoulder.

"Ow! Geez. Fine, then I guess we could take the elevator, it's just on the other end of the mall, and why are you shaking your head at me?"

"No. No elevators. They can crash and kill your robot."

Poor Barney looked like he was about to have an aneurysm from trying to stifle his laughter.

"Yeah, yeah, just let it out."

Barney burst into a fit of uncontrollable giggles, and even Robin had to join in a bit. "I know it's crazy, I just can't do it."

"I-yeah-no…problem," he wheezed in between snorts.

As she waited for him to regain his composure she observed the people going up and down the escalator, clearly not understanding the risks involved. Idiots. She wanted to warn them, but she figured Barney would probably die of lack of oxygen if she did.

"But you've ridden elevators plenty of times at the apartment," he managed, once he finally could look her in the eye again.

"Yeah, because those aren't mall elevators. Trust me, everything is more evil at the mall."

This sent Barney into a relapse of laughing and once again, Robin waited it out.

"All right, so how are we going to get downstairs?"

"Well, aren't there stairs somewhere?"

"Where do you think we are? The 1950's?"

"Ugh. Fine, then I guess we'll just have to leave."

"Nope. Oh! I have an idea."

Barney knelt down in front of her, his back facing her.

"Um, what are you doing?"

"Piggy back ride. That way you won't have to get on the evil contraption of death."

"What? I am not getting a piggy back ride! I'm a grown woman."

"Please. You told a nine year old to suck your dick last week at the LazerTag place. You're hardly the poster girl for maturity. Now mount up!"

Robin giggled and looked around. They were starting to attract people's attention. She slowly put her arms around his neck and positioned her legs in front of him. With one swift motion he stood up and she was clutching onto him for dear life, her legs wrapped tightly around his waist.

"Now be careful!" she said as he approached the escalator.

"Careful is my middle name, Sherbatsky. Prepare yourself to conquer your fear, sort of."

Now people were definitely staring. And pointing. And laughing. And Robin didn't care because now he was gripping her legs to keep her in place.

Slowly, Barney stepped on to the escalator. Robin closed her eyes in fear and Barney gently hiked her up on his back to make sure she didn't fall.

"No worries, Sherbatsky, you know I'm not gonna let it hurt you," he said in a slightly mocking tone, but it was still reassuring.

"Of course you won't, because you know I'd kick your ass if you did," she responded much more confidently than she felt.

"Please like I'm scared of you and your Canadianness. All I'd have to do is turn off the lights and you'd run screaming."

Robin laughed. "Well I could always sick a Grizzly on you and see how you take it. I'm guessing you'd wet your pants."

"How dare you, madam!" he exclaimed. Robin hesitantly opened her eyes only to see they were now on solid ground and walking.

"Hey! We're off!"

"Yup. It's a pretty short ride."

"Oh." Robin suddenly felt very self-conscious with her legs wrapped directly over his groin. "Um, should I maybe?" she started.

"Oh, yeah!" Barney muttered and almost reluctantly knelt down for her to dismount. "See? You're just facing your fears all over today."

"Or you're facing them for me," she said with a smile. "So that was actually a really short ride, wasn't it?" she asked pointedly.

"Yup. They all are."

"So how'd you do it on an escalator if it's like, a twelve second ride."

A slight blush crept up on his cheeks but he answered with his bravado firmly in place. "We were running up the down escalator as we went. It was quite the workout. Plus it was a longer one."

"Right…"

"Oh look! We're here."

In the excitement of making it down the escalator Robin had completely forgotten that they had started out with a destination.

"Uh, Barney, it's just a bunch of chairs."

"No, it's just a bunch of _lounge _chairs. Come on, sit down."

Robin just stared at them warily. "What if someone just left them here?"

"Robin, I think you would notice if you were suddenly not carrying a giant, fifty pound chair, don't you? They're left out by the stores," he said as he sat down in one and gestured for her to do the same.

"That's dumb. What if someone steals them?"

"Who is going to try and leave the mall dragging a chair behind them? Would you just sit down?"

Robin slowly sat in the chair adjacent to his and leaned back.

"Good. Now you see the slots? You pay and you get a massage."

"Five bucks for three minutes? Are you kidding? What a rip-off! I'm not wasting my money on this." Robin crossed her arms and pouted.

"Oh come on, it feels great." She glanced over and saw Barney's chair moving behind him, gently massaging his back. "You wanna share?" he asked when he saw her staring.

Robin couldn't quite tell if he was joking or not so she rolled her eyes and gave in to peer pressure. As she put five of her hard-earned, unemployed dollars in the machine Barney smiled triumphantly.

"You're going to enjoy this whether you like it or not, Sherbatsky."

Robin leaned back only to have her back pounded unceremoniously. "Ow! Dude, this hurts!" she exclaimed and glared at him accusingly.

"Huh, you must have yours on a different setting," he mused as the chair practically bounced Robin from its seat. Everything was more evil at the mall. Even chairs.

"Oh, this is making me nauseous," she moaned as it jiggled her entire body. "How much longer?"

"About two and a half minutes," he said serenely.

"I hate you. Malls hate me, don't you see?"

"Shh, Robin, I'm trying to relax here."

The back of the chair hit her head so hard she was pretty sure she had a concussion, which she would later blame for this reaction.

Without thinking she jumped out of her chair and plopped herself right on top of Barney.

"Oof. Well, this chair just got a little bit better."

"Scoot over," she said, but hoped he wouldn't. Sitting on top of him was actually rather comfortable. Or at the very least, more so than sitting on her traitorous chair. Unfortunately Barney heeded her request and moved so she had just enough room to squeeze beside him.

"Ah, see that's better," she said as she leaned back in the chair.

"Oops, guess it's over."

"What?" she asked, but Barney was already standing up and leaving her alone in the chair.

"So what now?" Barney asked, trying to fix his suit and suspiciously not meeting her eyes.

"Well, now that we've seen the best the mall has to offer according to you, I guess we can finally leave!"

"You do remember that this was your idea, right? And I didn't say this was the best the mall had to offer. Far from it. I just thought you should be relaxed before the rest of the jam-packed day of excitement! Now come on!"

Barney was moving again and Robin was on his heels.

"Where are we going?"

"I'm gonna find us a Sharper Image store. Bet you I can buy you a new robot! And then we can try to get it squashed by the elevator. You know, for old-times sake."

Robin laughed. "It would be rather cathartic."

"Totally."

Barney rounded the corner and found himself facing a large Macy's. He cussed.

"Don't they have those mall maps around here somewhere?" Robin asked, glancing around.

Barney whipped around on his heel and shot her a scandalized look. "A map? We do not need directions in a mall, Sherbatsky. It's practically your home! Oh! I have an idea!"

He came up behind her and put his hand over her eyes, completely blocking her vision.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Relax," he said as he began twirling her in place, keeping her eyes covered as she went. He stopped her mid spin and said, "All right, now smell, Sherbatsky. Search for the scent of Sharper Image."

"I'm not a dog you moron," she said, yanking herself out of his grasp and stumbling a few steps. When she regained her balance she caught a glimpse of the store standing in front of her.

"What the hell is this?" she asked, staring bemusedly at the giant smiling bear watching her from the window.

"Huh? Oh, it's a Build-A-Bear," Barney answered distractedly.

"_Build_-A-Bear? Jesus, I remember when bears were supposed to be scary."

"Yeah, I bet you do, Canada. Now I know it was on this floor somewhere and-hey, Robin, what are you doing?"

But Robin was already entering the disturbing store. This time it was Barney's turn to follow her.

"Oh my God. It's all so…cute!" she said disgustedly, glaring at the happy bears and bunnies surrounding her, all fuzzy and cheerful. "This is some sort of cult, right?"

Barney laughed. "Have you never been inside a Build-A-Bear?"

"We didn't have these things in Canada."

"Yet another example of your inferior lifestyle. So? Do you want one?"

"What?" she practically shrieked. "Why would I want one of these things watching me all the time? They're so…wholesome!"

"We can dress it up all slutty."

"Yeah, okay." Robin dashed towards the huge rack of potential bears. "Hey, why are these guys all flat?" she asked, surprising herself with the slight worry in her tone.

"Um, it's called Build-A-Bear. You have to build them. You know, put in their stuffing and stuff."

"We get to stuff them? Cool! Can we make them really fat?"

"Excuse me, do you two need any help?"

Barney and Robin both jumped at the sound of an intruding voice and turned to see a slightly apprehensive clerk eyeing them.

"No, we're good," Barney answered.

"Are you shopping for a kid?" the employee asked.

"No." Robin glared at the nosy guy and he backed off. "I wonder if he's going to call security on us," she muttered to a giggling Barney. She smiled conspiratorially at him. "Okay, I choose this one," she said, pulling out a gray, spotted bear from the bottom of the pile. "Now what?"

"Now you'll give it to us to stuff," the employee, whose nametag read Joey, said, once again intruding in the conversation.

"I thought you said we get to stuff it?" she asked Barney.

"We can stuff it. The kids aren't allowed to, but we can." Barney walked towards the machine.

"Excuse me, only employees are allowed to use that," Joey said, but Barney was already positioning the bear down and gesturing for Robin to take control.

"So I just press this button?" she questioned.

"Well, yes, but please don't!" Joey said desperately. Neither of them heeded his pleas and Robin hit the button and held it. The bear slowly ballooned up and Robin giggled excitedly. This was actually kind of cool.

"More, more!" Barney chanted, holding the bear.

"No, please stop, it's going to explode," begged Joey.

"These can explode? Cool!"

"Look, it's seams are starting to split. Dude, this thing is going to be _fat._"

"We could start a Biggest Loser for stuffed animals."

"We'll make millions."

Finally Robin let go. "No exploding?" Barney asked, slightly disappointed.

"Maybe next time," she responded, and it actually didn't feel like a lie. She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket but ignored it. Marshall had promised to text periodically to make sure everything was going all right, but she wasn't in the mood for interruptions.

"I think we're holding up the line," Barney said, waving behind him at the petrified looking young girl and her mother standing behind them. The girl was clutching her own bear, horrified at the obese, distorted bear that they had created.

"Well it's time to get this sucker dressed, isn't it?" Robin strutted off, leaving poor, confused Joey in her wake and found the clothing section.

She grabbed an orange and black, tacky swimsuit and attempted to pull it over her bear's head. "It won't go," she complained.

"I think our poor bear might be too fat for clothes," Barney said, chortling. "Hang on, let me try. He pulled a bright pink shirt out and yanked it over her bear's head. As he did so Robin found a jean skirt from the pile and worked from the bottom to pull it up. With one final tug, him down and her up, the clothes finally made it on.

The shirt managed to reach just about halfway down its stomach whereas the skirt just came to the top of its legs.

"Well, you wanted it slutty," Barney said cheerily.

"Are you kidding? It's perfect. So is it done?"

"Not yet. You still have to name it."

"Oh. How about Fattie?"

"Too easy. How about Jesus?"

"Too creepy. Swarley?"

"Robin Sparkles?"

"Swarley Sparkles?"

"Perfect."

They walked over to the cash register and Robin plopped her bear on the counter. "We're done," she declared.

"All right," said the pretty, young employee. "Will you be paying in cash or credit, handsome?" she asked, directing her attention towards Barney.

The change in his demeanor was automatic. His giggling, enthusiastic face was replaced by a smooth, unfazed mask. His warm eyes darkened slightly and he leaned on the counter.

"Credit, please," he said calmly. "So, where are you from, Cindy?" he asked reading her nametag and giving her his undivided attention. 'Cindy' blushed and answered in her chipper voice.

Robin watched in disgust, clutching her bear awkwardly, as Barney flirted with this idiot right in front of her. She wasn't even all that pretty. If he was making the moves on, like, Naomi Campbell, that would be one thing, but this was just some dumb chick with badly dyed blonde hair wearing way too much eye makeup.

"I think it's time to go," she said, interrupting their 'intimate conversation'.

"Hang on," Barney said to her, without even bothering to turn away from his latest conquest. Robin couldn't even explain to herself why this was making her so angry; she didn't mind him flirting with a bunch of other chicks at the bar. Or she did, but not this much. She had even encouraged him sometimes.

This, though, this was supposed to be their time. This was supposed to be private and exciting, and he wasn't supposed to be looking at other girls while _she_ was there, showing him so much of herself.

"No, we're going now," she said forcefully, grabbing a fistful of his jacket and yanking him unceremoniously out the door.

"Ow, Sherbatsky, what the hell?" he exclaimed, rubbing his shoulder where she had pulled him.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I interrupt your public dry-humping there?" she shouted angrily, unable to control herself.

"What are you talking about? We were just talking! Plus there was a counter in between us so dry-humping, or any type of humping at all would be rather difficult…"

He wasn't even taking this seriously. He could see how angry she was and he just didn't care. She felt like hitting him.

So she did. Repeatedly. Any where she could reach, especially with the bear. The thing actually was coming in handy.

"What the hell? What is your problem?"

"My problem is you're an insensitive jackass. I mean I was standing right there!"

"So what?" he retorted, defending himself from the onslaught of attacks. "We were just talking! Plus it's not like we were on a date or anything. Jesus."

Robin froze, mid swing. "Right. No. Of course not. I was just- I just didn't like her. Sorry."

She turned away from him abruptly and wondered why her eyes were stinging. She knew they weren't on a date. No, it was just friends, hanging out. That had been very clear. And yet, there was a churning in her stomach and her face was burning and she felt like hurling herself onto an escalator and just see what happened.

"Robin?" Barney asked, a little more gently.

"Yeah? So what's next?" she asked, in a falsely cheery voice. It was fake, he must know it was fake, but he let her get away with it.

"Well we could go to the food court…" he ventured softly, examining her for some kind of clue to what she was feeling. She wished Marshall was there, he'd know how to make Barney understand. He was good at talking about things.

"Sounds good! I'm starving. And I think little Swarley Sparkles is too."

She wasn't.

xxxXXXxxx

Hours later and Robin and Barney had nearly exhausted every store in the mall. Robin had shoved her discomfort to the bottom of her stomach and tried to enjoy the rest of the day. Luckily, given her company, that wasn't too hard.

They had finally located Sharper Image (despite the fact that Robin couldn't smell it), but unfortunately couldn't find a suitable robot to squish but vowed to look again; they had gone into every department store and found a couple of cute outfits for Swarley in the petite section; they had seen the jewelry stores, the computer stores and all the random stands.

Now, according to Barney, there was just one more thing to do.

"Are we almost there? My feet are killing me."

"Almost, Sherbatsky. You've been a great sport, but there is still one last thing you need to do to prove you have officially defeated Robin Sparkles." He stopped walking and turned to face her, blocking her view. "The final test is behind me. Can you do it?"

"I can," she said, in a mock serious tone.

Barney stepped aside to reveal…

"No, Barney, no. I'll get sick. I swear to God, I'll throw up. You can't make me!" she pleaded desperately.

"Come on, it's just one Wetzel's Pretzel! You can do it. I'll even pay."

Barney moved to get in line and Robin stood back, holding Swarley to her chest. It had been over a decade since she had eaten one of those pretzels but she could still taste the salt in her mouth. She took a deep breath, bracing herself.

"Nice bear."

Robin jumped and glanced up to meet the eyes of a handsome man eyeing her bear. Or eyeing what her bear happened to be covering at the moment.

"Thanks," she said, stealing a look at Barney who was still in line.

"Who's it for?"

"Oh, um, I got it for-" It was the moment of truth. All she had to do was blow him off and go home and her plan will have gone off without a hitch. And yet, all she could think about was Cindy, and Barney leaning in towards her, without even caring that she was watching.

"I got it for my brother over there. He's mentally retarded and I took him to the mall for the day to get him off my mother's hands."

Wow, he really was rubbing off on her. Marshall was going to be pissed.

"Wow, that's really sweet. I actually got one for my daughter," he said, pulling his own bear out from his bag.

"Oh, are you married?"

"Divorced. My wife and I-" But Robin wasn't listening anymore. Barney had paid for her pretzel and he was about to come back and she had to act fast and that stupid Cindy slut was racing through her mind and she leaned in and grabbed Divorce Man's face and kissed him passionately. Or at least as passionately as she could while holding a stuffed bear.

"What the hell?" came an angry, shocked voice from her left.

"Oh, hi, I'm Rick," said Divorce Man, loudly and slowly when he spotted Barney and stuck his hand out to shake with a disconcertingly kind smile planted firmly in place.

"Robin, what the hell are you doing?" Barney asked, his blue eyes showing worlds of hurt.

"We were just kissing," Robin said rudely.

"I need to talk to you. Now." With that he grabbed her by the hand and tried to pull her away.

"Excuse me, Nick," she said sweetly.

"Uh, Rick," he responded, looking absolutely bewildered.

Barney let go of her when they reached a deserted hallway leading to the bathroom.

"What the hell was that?" he hissed.

"What? We were just kissing. And it's not like we were on a _date_ or anything," Robin said vindictively.

"Is that what this is about? God I told you me and that girl were just talking. I wasn't making out in the middle of a mall with someone whose name I didn't even know!"

"Not tonight anyway," she sneered back.

"What the hell is wrong with you? What are you, jealous?"

Robin laughed too loudly. "Please, jealous of what? You and your stupid one-night stands? Yeah right. You're just pissed because I'm doing what you always do. What, I can't have fun just because I'm a girl?" she yelled, sure she wasn't making any sense but just trying to bait him anyway.

"No you can't do it because-"

"Because what?"

"Because-" He was towering over her, his blue eyes dark with anger, or sadness, or fear, or maybe all three. His brow was furrowed and the corners of his eyes were crinkling slightly and they were practically nose to nose, screaming at each other at the top of their lungs and suddenly, without thinking, they both moved forward and their mouths connected.

It wasn't a normal kiss. It wasn't like with Ted, when it was all about yearning, and longing. And it wasn't like the last time they had done this, where it was about comfort and friendship. No, this time it was about passion, and fury, and pent-up desperation.

One of his hands ran through her hair, making goosebumps stand up on her skin as their tongues danced desperately in each other's mouths. The other well-practiced hand made its way down her back and under her skirt. She pushed him back into a wall and started fiddling with his belt. She yanked his pants down and he hoisted her up by her legs so she was level with his groin and pulled her panties down her thighs and entered her.

He thrust hard and she pushed down with equal force, moaning in satisfaction. Her head fell onto his shoulder as he pushed against her and began kissing his neck, up to his ear. His hands caressed her breasts, surprisingly gently compared to the rest of the encounter.

Her body moved up and down rhythmically, her legs wrapped around his thighs to keep her position and she had never had sex this powerful before. They were both intent on having control and just when she thought she couldn't take it for even one moment longer and was about to beg for release…she came.

Her body sagged against his, exhausted and she disentangled herself from her lover to find her footing. Refusing to leave his touch she kissed all parts of his exposed chest where she had apparently ripped his shirt and kept her arms wrapped firmly around his waist. He moaned in satisfaction and she smiled, pleased with herself.

Just then it sunk in. She, Robin Sherbatsky, had just had incredibly hot, passionate sex with Barney Stinson where anyone could have seen her.

Marshall was going to kill her.

And then it didn't matter because he was bending down and sucking her nipples and they were doing it again, and she was moaning with passion, with lust, and with just a tinge of love.

Maybe malls weren't so bad after all.


	11. Chapter 11

My Slumbering Heart

Chapter 11

Marshall checked his cell for missed calls for the seventeenth time that morning. It was only 8:12.

Where was she?

Robin had embarked on some secret adventure with Barney almost twenty four hours ago and she had been completely AWOL since. This was not good.

They could have been murdered. Or eaten. What if she took him hunting or something? Barney was not an outdoorsman. Crap. This was so very not good.

Wiping the sweat off his brow, Marshall tried to plaster on a cheery expression for his wife.

"Morning honey," he said.

"Hey," she replied distractedly. "Did we get any messages last night?"

"No."

"Oh."

They lapsed into worried silence. Marshall was still contemplating the bloodiest fates for his two friends when the phone rang. He and Lily both dove over the table to get it and Lily managed to wrestle it out from under him. They both paused for a moment and looked at each other inquisitively before shrugging it off and Lily answered the phone.

"Hello?" she said breathlessly. Marshall watched hopefully. "Oh, hi sweetie." Lily mouthed 'It's Ted' and Marshall turned back to his breakfast. At least Ted hadn't been eaten as well.

Lily was talking soothingly over the phone; apparently Ted and Katie had their first fight the night before, but Marshall could tell she was eager to escape the conversation. Finally Ted seemed to come around and they hung up. Marshall checked his phone again. Still nothing.

"Have you seen Barney at all?" Lily asked carefully.

"No. Have you seen Robin?"

"Not since the day before yesterday."

"You don't think they got into trouble, do you?" he asked, searching for reassurance that he was overreacting.

"No, of course not!" Lily said too loudly. "I mean, it's Barney and Robin. How much trouble could they…" she trailed off awkwardly and left them both to their increasingly wild imaginations.

xxxXXXxxx

Robin rolled over, slowly coming to. Her head was lying on a soft, warm pillow and she felt utterly content. She didn't want to wake up yet, to have to face yet another dull day of being unemployed. Then she heard a grunt from behind her.

Gradually opening her eyes, expecting to see a cranky Ted telling her to wake up, she became aware of her surroundings. She was in a dark room with completely bare walls. She was squeezed under a too small blanket. And she was not lying on a pillow. No, she was lying on a man's body. An extremely fit, well-sculpted body.

Shit.

Cringing, she turned her head to face what she knew was there already. Barney was sound asleep, snoring slightly, with one arm wrapped casually around her body. Her naked body.

Double shit.

Turning away from him, Robin rested her head back on his chest and tried to remember what had happened the previous night.

They had been at the mall, and then they were fighting over some guy, or some girl, and then they had been kissing and they had sex once. Twice. No, three times. And in the cab. And possibly at the Lusty Leopard. How had they even gotten there? And then another couple times here. And she vaguely remembered an alleyway. There was a chance a spring-loaded toilet seat had come into play at one point.

Triple shit. Or how ever many times that comes out to shit.

Alright, Sherbatsky. You know what to do next. Get out of bed, get dressed, and sneak out before he wakes up. No big deal. Except even as she thought it, she couldn't bring herself to get out of bed. It was really warm, after all, and she was naked. And that was the only reason. Not because he had his arm around her.

As she inwardly debated with herself (oh God, she really had gone insane, hadn't she?) she was interrupted by a moan.

Oh, fuck.

Barney was waking up. His fingers were tightening over her shoulder, and he would know that she had been enjoying this, so she had to do something, so she pushed him off of her swiftly.

That seemed to wake him up the rest of the way.

"Oh, sorry," he muttered.

Don't be sorry. Oh, please, God, don't be sorry.

She rolled off of him quickly and faced the ceiling. Déjà vu. They lay there awkwardly for a couple of moments as she tried to piece together something to say. Something that could possibly explain why they had just had sex repeatedly in one passionate, insane night. She had nothing.

"So…"

"So."

Good start. She cold feel his blue eyes boring into her. God, he was probably thinking about how to let her down easily. Or possibly wondering when she had gone completely insane and desperate.

"That was…" he started.

"Yup. It really was."

"You know, maybe sometime, we could, I don't know," Barney was stumbling over his words and he actually sounded nervous, and where was he going with this? Did he actually want- "Maybe, do that again sometime?"

Oh. He just wanted more sex. She felt her stomach sink and Robin wondered why. After all, sex was all she had wanted from the beginning of this. Just a purely sexual relationship. Isn't that what she had told Marshall?

But for the first time, Robin thought she might understand what Marshall had been talking about. Why sex might not be such a great idea when she was in love with him. Oh God, she was in love with him. But he wasn't in love with her. And now her stomach ached and her eyes felt hot and she hurt all over.

Because he just wanted sex.

And she wanted more.

And now she knew why falling in love with Barney Stinson was such a bad, terrible, horrible, awful idea.

"Um, you know, I don't think that's such a great idea," she said, getting out of bed and searching for her panties.

Barney didn't respond for a long moment and Robin didn't dare look him in the eye. As long as she didn't look at him she could imagine that he was devastated. If she did, she knew she'd see complete and utter indifference.

And that terrified her.

"Oh," he whispered. He was probably disappointed. He wasn't getting any from her anymore. But he'd get over it. By that night he'd have recovered and found someone new to sleep with and it'd be like nothing had even happened. Her eyes stung some more and she felt like throwing up and she just had to get the hell out of there before he saw her face.

She couldn't take the pity.

And pity was what she would get. Because she was the fool dumb enough to fall in love with Barney Stinson. And even after she'd thrown herself at him, he still didn't see her as anything more than his close friend; his bro.

Finally remembering that she had lost her panties somewhere between the mall and the strip club she grabbed one of his button-up shirts off the floor and pulled it on.

"That's cool. One night stand. The Barnacle's favorite. Who needs all the trouble, right?" his voice was strained but Robin didn't notice. He was back. God, it didn't even take five minutes for him to get over her. She found her pants and yanked them up.

"Yeah. No big deal," she murmured, backing out of the room.

"So, I'll see you later?" Barney asked, hopeful, following her out.

"Maybe. Whatever." She practically dashed out his front door and slammed it shut behind her, unable to spare him even one last glance.

She stepped into the thankfully empty elevator and pressed the button for the ground floor. As she waited she tried vainly to straighten her shirt and fix her mussed hair but it was useless. She just needed to get home, be alone, and she would be fine.

Twenty minutes later she burst through Marshall's office doors.

Marshall leaped up from his desk, immediately on guard when he saw his friend's puffy, tear-filled eyes.

"Robin?" he asked hesitantly.

"I think I screwed up," she whispered, desperately trying to maintain control over her traitorous tear ducts. Marshall was staring at her, clearly worried, and he was going to be so pissed off when she told him what had happened. She hiccupped sadly and in a moment he had wrapped his arms around her and was suffocating her in a huge bear hug.

For a moment she considered pushing him off, telling him not to be such a baby, but his arm was stroking her back and something inside of her cracked just a bit more and she let herself cry into his shoulder.

It was weird.

They were both standing up and he was sort of awkwardly hunched over her to comfort her and she couldn't stop thinking that she was going to get snot all over his rather inexpensive suit and wondering how long this could possibly last.

But he didn't seem to mind how long it took. He just held her tightly and let her cry in a way that her own father would have been ashamed to see.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she sniffled and found that she had no tears left to give. Slowly Marshall pulled back and looked her in the eye.

"What happened?" he asked kindly and Robin had never loved him more.

"This was all so stupid," she managed in between sniffles. Marshall led her to a chair and pulled one next to her.

"I can't make Barney fall in love with me. It's not possible. And it was just stupid to try. Because now he's going to know and he's going to feel bad for me, and it's so embarrassing."

"Okay. Calm down. What happened yesterday? I thought you guys were just going to hang out."

Robin laughed ruefully. "We were. It just didn't quite work out that way."

"Alright, well why don't you just tell me what happened?" he said slowly, in a soothing voice that normally Robin would've scoffed at but not today.

"Well we went to the mall and everything was going fine. We were having a lot of fun and we even made a Build-A-Bear thing which I think I left at his place which sucks because it was actually pretty cute and-"

"Robin. Focus."

"Right. Sorry. So we were having a great time until he started flirting with this stupid slut right in front of me."

"Well, doesn't he always do that?"

"Yeah, but this was different. I mean, we were supposed to be out just the two of us and then he was trying to pick up some stupid slut when I was right there, clearly being far more awesome than that dumb whore."

"Wow. So you got jealous."

"I-well, yeah. Fine. Call it whatever you want. Anyway, so then I tried to push it to the back of my mind and things were going fine until this really cute guy came up to me and started flirting. And I don't know, I just wanted to get back at Barney a little, make him feel as crappy as I had earlier, so I kissed him. And then Barney saw, freaked out, we fought for a while, and then we, er, had sex. Multiple times."

Robin paused in the story, waiting for Marshall's reaction.

"Okay, then what?"

Robin's mouth dropped. She had expected him to yell at her. But if he wasn't going to push the subject she certainly wasn't going to.

She quickly recounted the events of that morning, still burned fresh in her mind and then looked up to check his reaction.

"And so then I left because he clearly didn't feel the same way about me. And trust me, if last night didn't do the trick nothing will," she finished sadly.

Sometime during the story Marshall's expression had changed from kind father to slightly amused older brother.

"What? Aren't you angry?" she asked.

"No. Why would I be?" he responded innocently.

"Because we had sex. You told me not to do it and then I did and it turned out badly. Aren't you at least going to say 'I told you so'?"

"You really do love him, don't you?" Marshall said, ignoring her previous comment.

Robin paused a moment before nodding. "Yeah, I think I do."

Marshall just smiled back at her.

"What? What is so funny?"

"You know that expression, 'love is blind?'" he asked pointedly.

"Okay, but I don't think that's the problem here. I can see his flaws perfectly fine. Thus me coming in here crying…remember?"

"You really don't see it, do you? Robin, I think Barney is in love with you."

A long silence filled the air between them.

"Wow. You weren't listening at all were you? That's exactly what we just ruled out. Remember? Just wants the sex…any of this ringing a bell?" Robin's previous good will towards her friend was starting to evaporate due to how thick he was being now.

Marshall chuckled in a way that could only be described as condescendingly.

"Why did you kiss that other guy yesterday?"

Robin sighed exasperatedly. "Because I wanted to make Barney feel like I felt when he was flirting with that girl," she repeated dully.

"And why did you think that kissing another guy would make him feel like that?"

"I don't know. Because he acted so weird when Ted and I were sleeping together. I just figured he didn't like it."

"And why is that?"

"I don't know. Ask him."

"Honestly, Robin, he was jealous!" Marshall finally exclaimed.

Robin stared bemusedly at Marshall for a moment. "Dude, it's _Barney._ He doesn't get jealous."

"He does whenever you sleep with other guys. It's all making sense now, isn't it?" Marshall was starting to bounce up and down in his chair he was so excited. "And that's why he was so upset when you were moving to Japan! Dude, it's perfect. He's totally into you."

"No, that doesn't make sense. If he was in love with me then what about this morning? Why would he-"

"Ask if you wanted to spend more time together, with the possibility of sex? Robin, it sounds to me like he was asking you on a second date. And you totally blew him off."

"Oh."

Glass shattered in Robin's brain and suddenly things were starting to piece together. Why he had been so upset when she called him a slut, that weird quasi-date earlier in the year, how excited he had been when she visited him in the hospital…

"Oh."

"You said that already."

"Well, I'm sorry Marshall, but I think finding out that Barney may be in love with me qualifies for two 'ohs', don't you?"

Robin was starting to twitch a little in excitement.

"This is awesome!" she said. Suddenly that stomach ache disappeared and a weight felt like it was lifted off her chest. Barney liked her back. He didn't want just sex.

Though sex would be nice. Very, very nice.

"Now what?"

But Marshall wasn't listening to her.

"So, you guys went to the _mall_?"


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

"So, just call him?" Robin asked, looking nervously down at the cell phone in her hand.

"Yes. Ask him if he wants to meet up at the bar tonight."

"Okay." With a deep, bracing breath Robin dialed the familiar number. It rang four times before someone finally answered on the other end.

"Hello," came the hesitant voice.

"Hey!" Robin said brightly, overcompensating wildly for her nerves.

"Hi," he replied.

Well, that part was done. Now what? Robin looked urgently over at Marshall who was mouthing something and honestly, eventually they were going to get this whole telepathic thing down.

"So, what's up?" she tried weakly.

"Not much. Just working. Look, Robin, is this important?"

Crap. He sounded pissed at her. Which was understandable given that she had sprinted out of his apartment that morning without any explanation, but still.

Marshall was still mouthing something she couldn't understand and she was on her own and improvising had never been her strong suit…

"Swarley!"

There was a long pause.

"Huh?" chorused Marshall and Barney.

"The bear! I want the bear. I think I left it over there this morning. So, I need it back. Could you give it back tonight? At the bar? Where I'll be…" Alright, not perfect, but it would get the job done. Hopefully.

"Oh, I don't know. I think I might have an international business meeting tonight and I don't-ow! Quit it, Lily! Yeah, fine, I'll bring the stupid bear," Barney said, clearly annoyed now.

"Uh, Lily's over there?" Robin asked, confused.

"Where's Lily?" asked Marshall from behind her.

"Uh, no. She's not. I have to go." On that strange note, Barney hung up abruptly.

"So, that went okay," she said, turning back to face a bemused Marshall.

"Whatever happened to 'meet me at the bar'?"

"Oh. Well I couldn't just say that, could I?"

"Robin? You're going to have to learn how to say what you mean. And you're going to have to learn how in approximately six hours."

Robin glared at him. But he was kind of right, wasn't he? Crap.

"Okay. So what do I have to say?"

"Good. Alright, so you guys are going to be sitting at the bar, gazing lovingly into each other's eyes-"

"Marshall, I swear to God."

"Fine, fine. You need to tell him that you're sorry for leaving so quickly this morning, and you think you guys should talk about what happened last night."

"There isn't much to talk about. It was just sex. I mean, really, really good sex, but still, just sex."

"Robin! New rule. When you and Barney get together you are never allowed to share any details about your sex life. Got it?"

"Yeah, fine."

"Anyway. Tell him that you felt something last night-" Robin mimed sticking her finger down her throat and Marshall ignored her, "and that you want to see where this thing goes. And then say that you've fallen in love with him and you hope he feels the same way."

"Hope? I thought this was for sure!"

"Relax. It's just what you say. It'd be weird if you said 'and I know you feel the same way.' Get it?"

"So, why can't I just wait for him to say it and then agree?"

"Because he's not going to say it."

"But why not?" she whined, sounding suspiciously like Ted.

"Because he's Barney. And because you practically gave him whiplash running out of his place this morning. He thinks you don't want anything to do with him, so you have to make the first move."

Robin considered this for a moment.

"Hey, Marshall? Remember when you first came up with this master plan?"

"My incredibly intelligent, fool-proof plan? Why yes I do," he answered proudly.

"Do you remember what I said was the point of the plan?"

"Uh, to get Barney to fall in love with you."

"And?"

"That was it."

"And to get him to make the first move! That was the entire point of this plan! God, I knew this plan would never work," she huffed moodily.

"Whoa! Don't blame the plan. If you hadn't jumped the gun and slept with him the plan would've worked awesomely. It's all your fault."

"No it's not. If the plan doesn't include sex then it's a dumb plan."

"Stop dissing the plan! And besides, you already know he likes you, so what does it matter if you make the first move?"

Robin didn't seem to have an answer for that and Marshall grinned triumphantly.

"So you've got it? You know what you have to say tonight?"

"Yeah, I guess. You promise this is going to work?"

"Promise. Now go home, I actually have to do some work. I'll meet you at the bar around eight?"

"Yeah. Sounds good." Robin headed towards the door, but paused slightly. Marshall looked at her expectantly. "Hey Marshall?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you really think he's in love with me?" she asked, her face as vulnerable as a young child's.

"Yeah. I really do." Marshall smiled encouragingly and Robin pulled her tough mask back up.

"Well, duh. Who wouldn't be?" And she walked out, the spring back in her step.

Shit. This had really better work.

xxxXXXxxx

"Okay, so are you ready?" Marshall asked from across the booth, looking into Robin's slightly nervous eyes.

"Yup. I'm good."

"Good. Just don't forget to set up parameters of the relationship."

"Whoa. What did we say about that word?"

"Right. Parameters of the 'thing'. Exclusive or non-exclusive." The bar door opened and Barney and Lily entered. "Good luck!" he said excitedly and then left the booth, nodding at Barney as they passed each other, and went to join his wife at the bar. And spy shamelessly.

What exactly did he mean by 'luck' Robin wondered as Barney came towards her.

"I brought Swarley," he said, his voice low and his eyes not meeting hers.

"Huh?"

"The bear. Swarley. Remember?"

"Oh, right. Cool. Can I have her?"

"Yeah." Barney didn't let go of the bear, clutching it close to his chest. Robin tried to hide her smile; she was pretty sure he had grown a little attached.

"You know, we could share the bear," Robin tried.

"Like, joint custody?" Barney asked, a shadow of a smirk passing his lips.

"Totally. We can switch off weeks, fight over how to discipline her."

"Tough love. I'm pretty sure she's been making eyes at Feely the Share Bear."

"That manwhore? Please. He's been with all the stuffed animals in Lily's class."

"She could do better."

"Maybe not. He's quite cute."

"And a good listener." Robin laughed and finally Barney cracked a pleased smile.

She glanced over at Lily and Marshall watching them. He was gesturing for her to get on with it.

Robin took a deep breath. Alright. What was it that Marshall had said? Tell him how you feel, set up parameters and-

"So Lily thinks you're in love with me."

If Robin had been drinking she was sure she would have spit it up all over the table.

Huh? Lily? What the hell? Robin vowed to kill her the next time they were alone. And then bring her back to life and then kill her again.

Okay, focus Sherbatsky. No big deal. Just a minor set-back. A slight complication. Just say that it's true, that you do love him and that-

"Yeah, well, Marshall thinks you're in love with me."

Or that. Close enough. Maybe one day, in like twenty years, her brain would finally learn how to control her mouth.

Barney scoffed and took a sip of his scotch. "What a couple of girls those two are."

"Totally." This conversation was taking an unexpected turn…

"They're probably just looking for someone to do all their lame couple stuff with."

Oh, crap. That hadn't even occurred to her.

"Shit, you're right. Like playing charades."

"Opening up a Bed and Breakfast."

"Going to brunch."

"Shoot me if we ever get that lame."

"With my very own gun." Barney laughed and it was her turn to smile triumphantly. It felt good to make him laugh. And it didn't escape her notice that he had said 'we.'

Maybe Lily wasn't Satan after all.

"So, do you wanna bail?" he asked, his blue eyes filled with the same hope and excitement she could feel in her chest. "We could go play Lazer Tag."

"Only if we can have sex in the back."

"Well, duh," he answered, eyes twinkling in anticipation. Robin giggled like a little girl and wondered why she didn't feel foolish.

Barney turned away from her momentarily and seemed to be communicating something with Lily at the bar. He had a sour face and seemed to be trying to get out of something. She turned to face Marshall but he was staring bemusedly at his wife. What the hell was going on?

"Oh, fine. Uh, Robin?" he started, looking slightly more serious. Uh-oh. This couldn't be good. "Lily wanted me to ask, do you think, maybe, you could, not sleep with any other guys there?"

He was so cute when he was clueless. God, if she actually had to listen to her thoughts she would find herself completely nauseating. (And what the hell did Lily have to do with her sex life?)

"Well, most of the guys there are like, eleven, so I think you're safe," she answered playfully. He was still staring at her with nervous blue eyes so she continued slightly more serious, "Well, only if you promise not to sleep with any of the girls there."

Barney's face split into a giant grin. "Please. When you've got the best you can forget the rest."

Robin giggled and leaned across the table to seductively whisper, "Right back at you."

With a smirk he closed the gap between them and kissed her deeply. Her hands ran through his short hair and was about to grab his tie and pull him towards a bathroom when-

"Oh my God I _knew _it would work!" Marshall yelled, sidling up next to her in the booth and she and Barney split apart, shocked. Lily was just emanating some high pitched squeal and punching Barney repeatedly in the shoulder.

"Okay, I didn't _know_ it would work, but I was pretty sure anyway," Marshall rambled on.

"Wait, what?" Robin asked angrily.

"Very sure?" he responded innocently.

Barney seemed to be trying to get as far away from Lily as possible in the cramped booth and failing miserably. Robin covered her giggle when he very nearly fell out of his seat, but caught him before he hit the floor.

Marshall turned his attention to his wife and confidently stated, "I did this. All my handiwork."

This finally caused Lily to turn away from a grateful looking Barney and face her husband. "What do you mean _you_ did it? What did you do?"

"Are you kidding? I had an entire plan to get them together."

"Please, like you need a plan to get people together," Lily replied defensively.

"Plus I had to work with _Robin_ here and get her to understand human emotions."

"Hey!"

"Sorry, Robin."

"Robin? You think you had it hard with Robin? I was stuck with Barney for the past six months! The guy thought feelings were a disease!"

Robin glanced at Barney who was observing the argument with a half-amused, half-offended expression.

"Wanna get out of here?" she asked, cocking her eyebrow mischievously.

"Lazer Tag?"

"Lusty Leopard?"

"I think we might be banned after last night."

"I told you that you weren't allowed to use the pole."

"Hey, I didn't hear you complaining."

"Well my mouth was kind of busy, wasn't it?"

"Uh, Robin?" interrupted Marshall. Lily was staring fascinated at her and Barney. "What was the one rule again?"

"Oh yeah. I think I'm going to have to break that," Robin answered, not taking her eyes off of Barney as she leaned across the table again and pulled him out of the booth by his collar.

He wrapped his arm around her waist in a fashion that would've been incredibly dorky had his hand not been doing some very intriguing things beneath her skirt. Just as they were about to leave the bar Robin was overcome with a sudden urge.

Turning back towards the booth she locked eyes with Marshall and telepathically said, 'Thank you.'

'You're welcome,' he replied with a satisfied smile.

Finally.


	13. Epilogue

Epilogue

**Ground Rules For Barney and Robin:**

**No having sex in public places.**

**No having sex in private places that do not belong to you. Especially if they belong to one of your close friends who prefer some things to be left to their imagination.**

**No handjobs at the booth. Ever. Just stop.**

**Kitchens are for eating. Food. That's it.**

**No matter how many times you ask, Marshall and Lily will not enter a Lazer Tag tournament with you.**

****(ignore this, Lily wrote it. Sign us up—Marshall)**

******(Lazer Tag tournaments? How come no one asked me?—Ted)**

**Charades is a fun, wholesome game. If you don't want to play by the rules, don't play.**

**Lock your doors for God's sake.**

**Dirty jokes are okay. Acting out said dirty jokes is not. **

**If you guys are going to cook in the nude, let someone know. And don't try to fry anything. The hospital bills aren't worth it.**

"Don't forget to add the bit about the bathroom, Marshall," Ted pleaded as Marshall typed.

"I can't believe you guys took the laptop away from me. This was my idea you know," Lily whined.

"Sorry, Lily, but we have to beat them at Lazer Tag. They seem to think they're better than me, which is just crazy."

"I was taking a shower the entire time," whimpered Ted, lost in what appeared to be a rather traumatizing memory.

It had been nearly three months since Barney and Robin had started doing…whatever it was they were doing. They still refused to name it, which bugged the hell out of their friends. And in that time they had managed to push the boundaries of acceptable and/or legal social conduct to the breaking point. So Lily had finally decided to put an end to it.

It wasn't going well. They three of them couldn't decide on what was most important; each nursing their own scarring experiences catching Barney and Robin in the act. Or acts.

"Oh! Make them stop screwing with Feely the Share Bear!" Lily begged.

Ted whipped around to face her, a disgusted look on his face. "What? How are they even doing that? Never mind…I don't want to know."

"No, not like that. At least, I don't think so. No, they keep putting him and their stupid bear in, uh, awkward positions in front my class. Parents night was not fun."

"Got it," Marshall said, making note on the computer.

"What are they chances they're going to listen to any of this?" Ted asked.

"They better. I mean, if it hadn't been for us they wouldn't even be together now," Marshall said, smiling lovingly at his wife.

Finally, after months of bickering and one intervention, the two of them had agreed to share credit on getting Barney and Robin together.

"Hey, guys," Robin said, sliding into the booth next to Lily as Barney took his place across from her.

To an outsider it would appear as though nothing had changed. They weren't big on gazing lovingly into each others eyes for long periods of time or holding hands. However, all someone had to do was ask how their night had been and they would be privy to all the details they had never wanted to know about what can and can not be done on a windsurfer.

Except for that one time when they said they were bound for security reasons against divulging the events of the previous night. But Marshall was pretty sure they had been kidding. Pretty sure.

"That's my leg, Robin," Marshall said dully, used to the confusion by now.

And of course there was that. Somehow Barney had ended up betting Robin that she was more desperate for sex than he was and so they had begun baiting each other openly every where they went to see which would cave first.

This led to quite a few abrupt exits and ended phone calls. Neither seemed to really care when they lost. Though Marshall had seen a tally being kept over at Robin's once and he wondered momentarily what the prize for the winner was before deciding it was best not want to know.

Marshall turned to see Barney and Robin rock-paper-scissoring it out to decide what they were going to do that night. Robin was pushing for a second trip to the shooting range ("The first time is hard for everyone, I promise,") while Barney was rooting for an all-night trip to Atlantic City.  
Lily caught his eye and rolled her eyes at them. He laughed; they were planning to stay up late and have a charades tournament with Ted and his girlfriend, Katie. And he was damn proud of it.

"You know, there are probably some shooting ranges in Atlantic City. They might be called Main Street, but they're probably there," Barney wheedled.

"I guess I can deal with that," Robin agreed, flashing Marshall a quick, conspiratorial glance.

Marshall knew full well why Robin was letting Barney get his way now. She had two first class tickets to Canada stashed away, ready to ambush him when he least expected it. She had sworn him to secrecy; apparently it was finally payback for all those Canada jokes. Jokes that had in no way disappeared since the two of them had gotten together.

"Hey, Katie!" Ted exclaimed, jumping up to greet his girlfriend of four months with a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey, guys," she said, sitting down on a chair. "What are you guys up to?"

"Going to Atlantic City," Barney answered cheerily.

"Cool," she responded, unfazed. Katie had quickly grown accustomed to Ted's friends stranger antics and simply took them in stride. She was pretty cool; Lily even said that she passed the Front Porch Test. Though she had added that the front porch probably would've been burnt down by then by Barney and Robin trying to prove whether Sex on Fire was as possible as Kings of Leon would have them believe.

That comment had perked Barney's interest and resulted in Lily giving a twenty minute lecture about fire safety.

"Hello. Earth to Marshall." Robin waved her hand in front of his face to get his attention.

"Yeah? What's up?"

"We're out. You sure you don't want to come? It's going to be awesome."

"Nah. We've got plans. But bring me back a souvenir, okay?"

"Deal." With a smile, Robin turned on her heel and pulled Barney out the door.

The next day Robin dropped off a wrapped box outside his office. Marshall opened it curiously, and laughed when he saw what was inside. A small toy robot stared up at him.

He put it up on his desk, right next to his picture of Lily and then went back to his computer to finish off the list of ground rules.

**Stay awesome.**


End file.
